Epilogue: Two Years Later

The dictionary defines grief as "intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death."

Grief can last a lifetime. Or a day. It depends on the person. Your grief is as unique as you are.

On this day, August 27, 2016, at the stroke of midnight, my uncle took his last breath as his heart finally gave out. His heart gave out, and my family's and my hearts (I apologize if this is improper grammar) were shattered into so many pieces we all wondered if we would ever recover.

And so, we began to grieve.

I did some research for this post, and I learned that grief has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It should be noted, though, that grief is not linear; you don't think of it as Level 1: Denial and so on. It's not Candy Crush or one of those other lovely games that you men spend hours playing. In the same way, sometimes grieving persons often report undergoing other stages besides the five stated. But as I said, your grief is as unique as you are.

As I stated earlier, grief has five stages. I'm going to give a brief description of each, along with how I remember passing through them. Though I didn't pass through all of them. But, leggo.

Stage 1: Denial

In this stage, life makes no sense. Did it really happen? Are they really gone?

....dis cya real. No way. No fucking way.

I found out my uncle had died by my mother's WhatsApp message. Four words that altered the course of my life.

"Jo, Uncle Gar gone."

My reaction was...what? What do you mean he's gone? Did he leave the hospital and not tell anyone, or... what do you mean he's gone? Because he couldn't be dead. He just couldn't. He was young and healthy. Young, healthy men aren't supposed to die, especially when they're my uncle and the backbone of the family.

Stage 2: Anger

The anger you feel will have no limits. You'll be angry at yourself, the circumstances of the person's death, God (whoever you perceive that to be), and even the person themselves for dying.

...how the fuck you fi dead lef me? You did fi live forever, you bumbohole, and yuh just up and dead. Pussyole.

Oh, I was angry. At the hospital, at myself, at the God of my family -- as in, "you fool people into thinking you actually exist and then shit like this happens and you don't fix it. You're useless."

I was angry for a long time, too. How dare he up and die the day before I was to have seen him again? How dare the hospital do what hospitals do and ignore him until he collapsed and died right there on the floor? How dare I stay alive after he died?

Stage 3: Bargaining

You try to strike a deal with God (whatever you perceive that to be), the universe, anything that could do the job, in order to get your person back. You'll give half your income to charity. You'll stop being such a vindictive cunt. You'll go to the place of worship as often as possible. You'll be a better person. Just give me my person back. I'll do anything. Just give them back to me.

This is the only stage I believe I skipped. I don't believe in any form of God besides it being an idea, so me bargaining with an idea just seemed weird, and I wasn't too far gone to try. I may have lost pieces of myself, but I sure didn't lose my pride.

Stage 4: Depression

Empty feelings present themselves, and grief manifests in your life on a deeper level than you could possibly imagine. This is the stage believed to last the longest. 

NB: The depression stemming from grief is a normal, healthy response and should not be conflated with mental illness.

Considering that I've been struggling with depression since I was around 14, I thought that what I felt during the mourning process was just an extension of that. Maybe it was, I dunno. But I sank back into myself, pulled back from the vast majority of my friends. To be honest, I'm not sure I can properly articulate my journey through this stage, but I did write a few posts on milestone days like his birthday and August 27 last year.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This doesn't mean that you're okay with your person's death. What it means is that you've acknowledged that yes, the person is dead, and you'll have to learn to adjust to a reality without them. I think this is the most difficult stage.

--

I think, after two years, that it's time for me to end this book of grief that I've written. I won't ever publish it, but the fact remains that I've written it. I may go back and revisit sometimes, but I won't ever try to relive moments or edit chapters.

It's time for me to let go. It's what he would have wanted.

I won't forget him. In fact, I'll remember him in happier times and smile.

I'm all cried out, cursed out...I'm just all out.

Yes, he is dead. But I'm not. I need to remember that. He's dead, but I'm still alive.

Once upon a time, I knew at least one person celebrating a birthday every day in March.
Once upon a time, there were two members of my family born in March. For a while, there were three. Now, it's back down to two.

But I've written the epilogue before the actual story, in typical scatterbrained SJ fashion.

I don't have a copy of the eulogy read at his funeral, primarily because I couldn't write it myself -- I could barely write a tribute, for fuck's sake -- but I do know, as well as I know my own birthday, that he was born on March 19, 1983.

Thirty-five years ago today. But he didn't live to see thirty-five, did he, and that's the reason I'm here hosting a pity party for myself instead of paying attention in my Algebra II class and complaining about how much I hate Mondays.

March has been a shitty month for me. In fact, it takes the silver medal for Months I Dislike (August, naturally, takes the gold by a country mile).

Though I did start this post intending to talk about him, not to sit and whine about how sad I am.

Anyway. He loved Vybz Kartel. Whenever I think of him, I remember being in his car or at his house with Kartel blaring. I remember him quoting lyrics from at least six songs every time we had a conversation. I remember him teasing my mother mercilessly because Kartel offended (and still does, along with everything that isn't gospel or "conscious" music) her Christian sensibilities.

I also think of when I was much younger, about four, when he started a tradition of taking me to Burger King for a Kids' Meal (it's my first memory of him, actually).

I remember the plans we made on March 19, 2016, to go somewhere, maybe the beach, and have ourselves a good time, just the two of us and some drinks, for my 19th birthday. Then I get sad because he didn't live to see me turn 19.

He was supposed to have taught me to drive, and only didn't in summer '16 because neither of us could find the time necessary for such an endeavor.

But then, he was supposed to have done a lot of things. Oh well.

I'm gonna close this post off before I start crying. I promised myself I wouldn't cry today.

Happy birthday, Uncle. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. 💝💞

This post is long as FUCK. (Lmao you'll see why that's funny later on.)

Disclaimer: this post contains admittedly excessive use of [expletive serving as a verb. Or adjective. Possibly a noun or adverb as well.] Continue at your own risk. Also, this post is very fucking long. Hush.

I feel like this post should be a little organized. I actually sat and did research about it. Proof of aforementioned research may appear as me pontificating, by the way. I'm not sorry.

But knowing me and my scatterbrain, that's about as likely to happen as it is that I'll have a million dollars by tomorrow. As I've said before somewhere on here, if you know me personally, read this in my actual voice and that should make it somewhat easier.

Anyway, today I'm gonna step out of my comfort zone a little and talk about the pros and cons of casual sex. Someone's been going into some of my followers' curiouscats and asking them something along the lines of that, and I was intrigued.

No one asks me questions on mine, because I am a Twitter wallflower. Art imitating life, in a way.

So yeah. The dictionary defines "casual sex" as:

sexual activity between people who are not established sexual partners or do not know each other well.

Stuff like you fucking some of your followers (no shade. I've done it), or that guy/girl you met at a party and the light hit them just right, or that one night stand you had with someone you don't particularly like. I could go on, but I feel like I'll end up stepping on more toes than I've planned.

Anyhoodles, I admit I kinda conflated it with friends with benefits. And now I'm tempted to do a post about the pros and cons of that. Eventually.

(Will you stop yapping and get on to the actual post, sis?)

Like almost everything in life, that "likkle one fuck" has advantages and disadvantages. Which is the entire fucking point of this post. I'll just get to it.

Why you should engage inna di likkle one fuck

It's fun.

Yes, sex is fun. When it's done right. Between two consenting and capable adults, a di nicest ting. (YES, CAPABLE. YOU HAVE SOME PEOPLE PON DIS EARTH WEH CYA FUCK.)

You'll learn a thing or two.

Lol sometimes people are willing to push various boundaries with relative strangers. Something along the lines of "well mi nah see dem again, suh nutn nuh wrong if mi do suh." I would not know, though. I'm as virginal as the baby weh born last night.

It saves time. (Yes, it does.)

You're horny, the other person is horny. Somebody sends out the booty call, and two twos unnu a fuck. No time wasted going round a bag a corners and lyricizing and such. Get in, get off, get out. Slam, bam, thank you *insert gender-appropriate honorific*

Less expectations. (Kinda.)

Remember the definition of casual sex? Good. Why try jumping through hoops for somebody you'll likely never see or hear from again? (Not that you shouldn't at least try to make it good for them, but, I mean...come on.)

Hello? At least you're fucking. Better off than nuff.

Self-explanatory. Besides, sex is good for you. It's stress relief, you're getting exercise, and orgasms are always great. Those, by the way, strengthen your immune system and increase levels of sex hormones so your hair and skin and such look better. (I'd cite, but this isn't something I'm doing for school, so unnu lucky.)

Why you should not engage inna di likkle one fuck

STDs. Pregnancy. Other nasty stuff. Nyack.

I have to go there, guys, and you know it. Let's be honest, how many people would stop right before they enter the gates of heaven -- wink, wink -- and say "hey, xyz." How many people would even remember to ask? You can't tell somebody's walking around with the sexual equivalent of a fully loaded gun just by looking. And let's not even talk about getting knocked up. Pregnancy in general is nasty. Impregnating/being impregnated by a relative stranger must be torture. (Imagine getting the clap and the knock up? Fuck)

The Walk of Shame (if you've slept over)

By the way, friends, that's a rookie mistake. As yuh come, please to go. The walk of shame isn't fun. You're wearing your clothes from last night, you probably smell like fuck (and probably just smell), and based on my time at UWI somebody has more than likely heard you and called a crowd to come listen in. That's hella embarrassing.

Feelings.

Lmao I consider feelings kind of an emotional STD that's very difficult to cure. (Syphilis? Gonorrhea? I read that there's a strain that's incurable now.) Imagine: you and this person a fuck and all of a sudden somebody a ketch feelings. Hello??? Nah. Feelings make things messy. 0/10, definitely would not recommend.

Should you engage inna di likkle one fuck?

Lmao bredda do weh you wah do. I'm not here to police anybody and their genitals. Just be safe, zimme. 

Later.

Change...of a sort... (& 2 posts in one day. Shook.)

Alright so let's ignore for a lil bit that this is my second blog post for today.

I was rereading old posts on here, and came across a kind of questionnaire I'd done back in 2015. I then began thinking about how much I'd changed since answering it.

Sooooo, what I am going to do is, I'm gonna just copy paste the original, then change the answers to better reflect who I am now. If you really care that much, thank you and god bless you, you can compare with the original post right here.

Leggoooo.

Oh. Disclaimer: This post is 155 questions, I think. Bear with me. And I may be a lil too honest on some of them, so...yeah. Let's do dis.

1. Full Name:
SJ.

2. Zodiac Sign:
Scorpio

3. 3 Fears:
I think this is the first one that's changed lol (well duh, I can't change my name or my sign, can I.) Anyway:

• Losing someone I care about (whether death, or growing apart). Even though it's happened before.
• Being forgotten
• Completely losing my sight. I know myself well enough to know that I'd become a bitter old witch within the first year.

4. 3 Things I love:
Books, music, beautiful things

5. 4 turn ons:
Hmm. 

• Talk-to-ability. I have to be able to have a conversation with you that doesn't center around sex.
• Intelligence
• I love a tall man. I don't have much of a type when it comes to women. But tall chocolate men for sure. Ooh, baby.
• (Let's not discount chemistry and physical compatibility, because there's this one guy who all he has to do is touch me and bloops, splash, Pacific Ocean. Not a word. Just a touch [OR A SIDE EYE FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND MI JUST SPREAD WEH.] God Almighty.)

6. 4 turn offs:

• Selfishness
• People who talk too much
• Women, especially, who stay in other people's business
• Homophobia. Transphobia. Any kind of bigotry, really

7.My best friend :
Jav, naturally. And MoBae.

8. Sexual Orientation :
Pansexual :) If you dunno what that means, I have attached a link here for you to get a basic understanding.

9. My best first date:
Umm. I'm sure there is one. I just can't remember it. Which is a shame because I almost never date. (What I do is spend quality time with people. Sitting in their car and talking for hours doesn't count as a date btw.)

10. How tall am I :
Better question would be how short I am. Answer: 5'1"

11. What do I miss:
The days when all I had to worry about was coloring inside the lines.

12. What time was I born:
5:20 am

13. Favourite colour:
Purple

14. Do I have a crush:
I ironed all those out, thanks

15. Favourite quote:

You gotta live your life while your blood is boiling // These doors won't open while you stand and watch them

- Cha-Ching (As We Grow Older), Imagine Dragons 

16. Favourite place:
Wherever there's food, Wi-Fi, books.

17. Favourite food:
Seafood (like shrimp and suh), cheesecake, some other stuff I can't really remember off the top of my head rn

18. Do I use sarcasm:
Why in the world would I ever do that?

19. What am I listening to right now:
Stony Hill x Damien Marley

20. First thing I notice in new person:
Their teeth

21. Shoe size:
8

22. Eye colour:
Chocolate brown

23. Hair colour:
Currently like 80% black with the rest blonde (I'm wearing braids)

24. Favourite style of clothing:
Listen, as long as I'm comfortable, I really don't care. [Unless it's like a dick appointment in which case it's shorts and something.]

25. Ever done a prank call?:
Maybe. I don't remember. But late nights in college + alcohol = some weird shit

26. What colour of underwear I’m wearing now?:
Black and pink

27. Meaning behind URL:
My first answer to this was sarcastic lol but "The wayward genius" is actually pretty straightforward. I'm a genius straying off the beaten path I'd assumed my life would have taken.

28. Favourite movie:
The Shawshank Redemption (shockingly, this hasn't changed ever since I watched it)

29. Favourite song:
This list changes regularly. One constant on it though is Bleeding Out x Imagine Dragons

30. Favourite band:
Imagine Dragons (clearly), Panic! At the Disco (are they even still a band or is it just Brendon Urie now?), Fall Out Boy, Paramore

31. How I feel right now:
Hot, very hot.

32. Someone I love:
My sister

33. My current relationship status:
Lol. Um. Does being a side gyal count as being in a relationship? If the answer is no, then the answer is no. [If y'all heard Stir It Up Vol...10 I think it was, then you'll get that last part.]

34. My relationship with my parents:
Okay so my mother and I have become closer since I started college. She's honestly one of my best friends and the only person I know for sure has my back in whatever situation.

My stepfather is a cunt. End of story.

35. Favourite holiday: 

All of them, once I don't have to go to school.

36. Tattoos and piercing I have:
No tattoos, but I have my lobes pierced twice, also my septum.

37. Tattoos and piercing I want:
I’d get the semicolon tattoo. Maybe a tramp stamp. A Celtic knot somewhere. A spine tattoo, I think those are sexy. I want to get at least a double helix piercing, snake bites, a nostril piercing...maybe my tragus, idk for sure yet.

38. The reason I joined Twitter:
It was 2013, I was doing CSEC, and I wanted a distraction.

39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?:
I don't hate him. I just regret being in a relationship with him. I don't know if he hates me and at this point I don't care.

40. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?:
From my mother, yes.

41. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?:
Mhm :)))

42. When did I last hold hands?:
The last time I had sex

43. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?:
If I wake up at 6:30, I can shower, brush my teeth, get dressed and all those nice things and be waiting on the bus by 7:20. What's that, 50 minutes?

44. Have I shaved my legs in the past three days?:
Lol. No.

45. Where am I right now?:
Home, in bed.

46. If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?:
I only ever feel comfortable getting to that level of intoxication around people I trust so...whoever I'm around would take care of me.

47. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?:
I like my soca playlist at full volume. I like my trap and EDM playlists at full volume with the bass boosted. I like my calmer music at a lower volume.

48. Do I live with my mom and dad?:
No

49. Am I excited for anything?:
I’m excited about that free day I have tomorrow.

50. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?:
I’d like to believe I can tell Jav anything so, yeah.

51. How often do I wear a fake smile? :
More often than I'd like to.

52. When was the last time I hugged someone?:
Sunday when I was leaving Bae's place. [I'm not much for hugging anymore unless we're that kinda close.]

53. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?:
I would humble my damn self and remember that I'm just the side gyal. [Not that I mind. It's so much less stress than having somebody of my own.]

54. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?:
I really hope not.

55. What is something I disliked about today?:
The fact that I walked home and ended up spending more money than I'd planned.

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth who would it be?:
Michelle Obama. Rihanna.

57. What do I think about most?:
The fluidity of life

58. What’s my strangest talent?:
Strangest? I actually do not know.

59. Do I have any strange phobias?:
The very definition of a phobia is that it's "irrational", so...

60. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:
Lemme take the picture, please.

61. What was the last lie I told?:
I think it had something to do with the state of my finances.

62. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
I prefer texting, to be completely honest. Barring that, f2f conversations.

63. Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?:
Ghosts, no. Aliens...a little bit. I think the universe is so vast that's it's mathematically impossible for life to only exist on Earth.

64. Do I believe in magic?:
While I love Harry Potter, no.

65. Do I believe in luck?:
Sort of.

66. What’s the weather like right now?:
It's very warm. I'm very uncomfortable.

67. What was the last book I’ve read?:
A Calculus II textbook. I shit you not. I actually want to start A Brief History of Seven Killings soon, though.

68. Do I like the smell of gasoline?:
I actually do

69. Do I have any nicknames?:
SJ, Sharz, the many manglings of my name that the Village Taker has instigated

70. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?:
Sprained my ankle in grade 4.

71. Do I spend money or save it?:
Been trying to do the latter but I always end up dong the former.

72. Can I touch my nose with a tongue?:
No, sir.

73. Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?:
My draws are mostly pink.

74. Favourite animal?:
Cats

75. What was I doing last night at 12AM?:
I think I was sleeping.

76. What do I think is Satan’s last name is?:
Well, I watched the series Lucifer, and his name is Lucifer Morningstar in that, so...

77. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?:
Bird Set Free x Sia

78. How can you win my heart?:
The gag is, I have no heart.

79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?:
Maybe a few lines from the Desiderata. "Go gently amidst the noise and the night, and remember what peace there may be found in silence."

80. What is my favourite word?:
BUMBOCLAAT.

[DELETED A QUESTION]

82. If the whole world were listening to me right now what would I say?:
"Unnu cut di fuckry, dawg." [Fuckry encapsulates everything from Donald Trump being president to racism to economic inequality.]

83. Do I have any relatives in jail?:
Not that I know of

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is the power?:
I finally have an answer for this. Either invisibility, or the ability to control time.

85. What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:
It depends on who's asking.

86. What is my current desktop picture?:
Something representing Slytherin.

87. Had sex? :
Yep

88. Bought condoms?:
Yep *laughs responsibly*

89. Gotten pregnant?:
Yuck, no

90. Failed a class?:
Classes.

91. Kissed a boy?:
Yes.

92. Kissed a girl?

"...and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick."

93. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:
As in outside in the rain? Lol no.

94. Had job?:
Something like that, yes.

95. Left the house without my wallet?:
Yep.

96. Bullied someone on the internet?:
Not to my knowledge

97. Had sex in public?:
Define "public".

98. Played on a sports team?:
Yeah

99. Smoked weed?:
Yes.

100. Did drugs?:
Lol. I take painkillers for a number of reasons, y'know.

101. Smoked cigarettes?:
Sigh. Yes.

102. Drank alcohol?:
I have.

103. Am I a vegetarian/vegan?:
I most certainly am not

104. Been overweight?:
Yeah

105. Been underweight?:
No sah

106. Been to a wedding?:
Yup

107. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:
Hours, days, it's all a blur to me.

108. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?:
I don't watch TV.

109. Been outside my home country?:
I have

110. Gotten my heart broken?:
Yeah, ish.

111. Been to a professional sports game?:
Nope

112. Broken a bone?:
No

113. Cut myself?:
Yeah

114. Been to prom?:
I'm Jamaican. No.

115. Been in airplane?:
Yup

116. Fly by helicopter?:
Bucket list item #37

117. What concerts have I been to?:
The ones in my head and on YouTube.

118. Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:
Please see question 14

119. Learned another language?:
Two

120. Wore make-up?:
Yup

121. Lost my virginity before I was 18?:
Yes

122. Had oral sex?:
See above

123. Dyed my hair?:
Sadly, no

124. Voted in a presidential election?:
Prime Ministerial** but no

125. Rode in an ambulance?:
Nope

126. Had a surgery?:
Nope

127. Met someone famous?:
Yes. I met Usain Bolt when I was 11.

128. Stalked someone on a social network?:
Who hasn’t?

129. Peed outside?:
As a proud country gyal who has spent cumulative years with her grandparents, yes.

130. Been fishing?:
I actually want to.

131. Helped with charity?:
I donate when I can.

132. Been rejected by a crush?:
Not really rejected. We just decided we'd be better off as friends. Also, see question 14.

133. Broken a mirror?:
No

134. What do I want for birthday?:
Money, books, the will to live.

135. How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:
I really don't want kids but I like the names Zafirah Alexandra and Dominik Stafford.

136. Was I named after anyone?:
Well, my mum did say she chose names from a list.

137. Do I like my handwriting?:
I do.

138. What was my favourite toy as a child?:
What I had was books.

139. Favourite TV Show?:
The last show I watched and really enjoyed was Game of Thrones.

140. Where do I want to live when older?:
In a nice house that doesn’t have a mortgage, preferably in an exotic destination.

141. Play any musical instrument?:
I wish :(

142. One of my scars, how did I get it?:
Self-harm

143. Favourite pizza topping?:
Shrooms.

144. Am I afraid of the dark?:
I like to say that it is representative of my soul, so no.

145. Am I afraid of heights?:
No

146. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:
The tamer side of bad, yes.

147. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:
Of course. I've been going to school ever since I was 3 years old.

148. What I’m really bad at:
Feelings.

149. What my greatest achievements are:
I haven't killed myself yet.

150. The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me:
That I'm supremely selfish. [Granted, it's true, but it still kinda stung.]

151. What I’d do if I won in a lottery:
Set up my mother and her parents, start a little trust fund for my sister, invest a portion, save the rest.

152. What do I like about myself:
Not much.

153. My closest Twitter friend:
The Village Taker.

154. Something I fantasise about:
Having all my shit together at last.

155. Did I answer all the questions truthfully?
I did.

If you've actually read all of these, congratulations, thank you, and I'm sorry. Pick the one that you feel applies to you and go thou in jesus' name.

Cheers.

New Year, New Me (even though the year isn't really that new anymore)

It's been January for literally a thousand years. Jesus.

But happy new year, guys. I hope 2018 is the one where we all glow and grow (not necessarily physically, cuz that ship has sailed for me) and discover what peace there may be found in silence.

Anyway. I had the vague idea to discuss "new year, new me" in this post, so...leggo.

Disclaimer: I didn't proofread or stop to really organize my thoughts. If you know me IRL, just read it how you'd imagine me actually talking to you, and it'll make more sense.

Boom.

The start of a new year is, for many, an opportunity to reinvent the self.

(Should I really call it an "opportunity"? I think what really happens is people go, "Hey, it's a new year, maybe some karmic energy is out there that'll help me in my endeavors.")

I think I'll go with the second one. It's traditional for almost everybody (even me, although I don't much go for that kinda stuff) to make at least one new year's resolution at some point on January 1.

• "I'm gonna start gym this year and lose ___ pounds."
• "I'm gonna give up _____"
• "I'm gonna learn how to _____"

Among a myriad of other things.

My resolution since 2012 or so has been to stop caring so much what other people think of me, and to just do what SJ do, whatever it is that SJ do.

I'm not ashamed to admit that there have been at least five out of the subsequent six (right? six.) years in which I failed miserably. 

But I made that resolution in 2018 again. With some editing, of course, because I'm a big mature woman now (EL OH EL.)

Live your life in a way that makes you healthy and happy. Don't listen to those long-throated cunts who don't have anything better to do with themselves than criticize.

I also resolved that 2018 is the year I take up whoring again. So far that one's not going too bad. But y'all don't need to know too much about that, do you?

Another, infinitely more important (to me) resolution I made is to spend more time with the people who care about me (not necessarily my family. I'm in Kingston almost year-round nowadays). That, too, isn't going too bad either. So far I spent a Saturday with the Village Taker and this last weekend with MoBae.

Bae noted one night that I seem happier. Strangely enough, I am. That may be due to the post-whoring euphoria, or contact highs from spending quality time with people I love. I dunno really. But I'm not overthinking it.

~

Pete Wentz said in Centuries x Fall Out Boy that:

some legends are told // some turn to dust or to gold // but you will remember me... for centuries.

That's a nice thought, isn't it? "Remember me for centuries." All we ever really want is to not be forgotten.

~

Okay, I'm done now. Peace and love, guys.

The Big Two-Oh

It's been exactly three months since I last posted here. It is strangely fitting that I start again on my birthday (although tbh the only reason I'm here is because I felt that the whole birthday thing deserves a post.)

Twen-teen?

A follower of mine, instead of telling me happy birthday, tweeted: "...you all adult an [sic] shit. Congratulations! You made it..."

I'd thought I became an adult at 18, with all the forms to be signed and the alcohol to be freely consumed, but I'm just now realizing it gets worse. It gets much worse.

I'd just like to say that I suck at celebrations. I also suck marginally less at birthdays. Last year all I did was get my ears pierced and spend a couple hours with the Village Taker. This year, the plan is to get my septum pierced, insult VT a little bit and go house-hunting after with Excelsior (remember him, guys? By some miracle, he's not tired of me yet so we're still friends). Maybe we'll buy alcohol and toast the fact that we are both inching ever closer to death. I dunno.

There's been improvement on my part though because I'm actually not going to spend the day in a "well-simmered stew of self-pity" (Norman, 2017.) Ya girl's gonna go out and people again. 

I'm not sure how I feel about being 20 now. Currently I'm a little terrified cuz I'm a full-fledged adult now, no longer a teenager, which was part of my identity for all of seven years. But I have 364 (I think; I just pulled a number out of my ass) days to get used to being 20. So I won't sweat it.

Old Jokes, Sentimentality and Name-Calling

Old jokes. Yes. Made by my mother and grandmother (who are 38 and 74 respectively). My mother has been calling me " mi old & barky gyal" for almost a month now. My grandma called me this morning laughing her ass off at her "old granddaughter" and how I soon get arthritis and shrivel up like her...

Hello? Lmao. No. I doubt I'll live long enough to shrivel. But that's a thing for another time. No negativity.

My closest girl friend (I'm calling her MoBae because I'm corny like that and she really is bae) got the ball rolling on the sentimentality.

No lie, I actually teared up a little. I've never met her mum and she's saying she's supposed to keep me. My heartttttttt.

And this from the Taker of Villages, Memelord Extraordinaire and Supreme Pussyole himself, which means all the more because he rarely ever says this:

Miss mandevillegirl she bout "happy birthday germsyyyyy" and camouflaging it with heart BIH I SEE YOU (but thanks, you succubus you)

A broom (don't ask, please) expressing his undying love for me by proclaiming me a "bloodclaat wicked gyal" - I'm not a "bloodclaat" anything. I'm just a regular wicked gyal, thank you very much.

It means a lot to me, y'know. Honestly. Like I'm actually visible. Thanks, guys. I mean it.

Conclusion? This is going on too long now

So. Yes. I'm a fully grown (at the great height of five feet and an inch) adult now. Ha.

Twenty years isn't much of a long time in the grander scheme of things, in my view, but here's to me getting to that milestone. And here's to me getting to more.

A Monday...

...wherein I got up early enough to put on gold eyeliner, mascara and my favorite bright red lipstick, and to actually sorta kinda fix my hair

...wherein I'm wearing my new favorite pair of earrings (costume jewelry, and the stone fell out of one but I love it still, I who thought I'd never wear a pair of hoop earrings in my life)

...wherein I smiled for a picture I sent to my mum and captioned it "well I actually look like someone's daughter for a change"

...wherein I felt the first stirrings of confidence, even though I haven't done the shave in a couple of weeks, and I don't have the smallest of waists anymore

...wherein I got the first inkling of what self-love is like, and I fell in love with it.