What-ifs and Futility: Why do I even waste my time?

So it's the last day of March.......the day before April.
And.......it just occurred to me how much different my life could have been had I made other decisions.

For example: My current best friend. Let's call him......Mario. Like the video game character. He'll get it and he'll laugh, never fear.
So we have been friends for circa 2 years now, through thick and thin, including a very serious thin that involved my parents and us being scared shitless to link each other for about 2 months....it's hilarious.
But it came out in a conversation we had recently that, a year into the friendship, we had a serious mutual crush. Then it just died out because, on his part, he was SCARED. TO. DEATH. Of my father. And he had a girlfriend so...that was that.

But I got to thinking, what if I at least had womanned up, put my big-girl push-up bra on, and said to him "Hey Mario, you know I really like you though..."?
Chances are he would have responded to the tune of "I like you too" a relationship would have happened (regardless of the fact that he says now that I would have gotten some serious bun-- translation: some serious cheating would have taken place) and I'd have been a lot happier in that one than I am in my current (yeah, yeah, Iceburg isn't gonna see this, hopefully), would have been in a waaaaaayyyyyyyyy longer one (year plus as opposed to five months and counting) and......I'd just have been happier overall, because, come on. Your best friend being your boyfriend? Sheer bliss.

I brought up the whole scene of how we became friends and remained friends, asking a load of what-ifs. His response:
I don't think it matters. The fact is we're friends and that's what matters.
It's obvious that he's not a what-if kind of guy.
One of MANY, many reasons I love him, but that's a post for another time.




The other decision I wonder at sometimes.....deciding to go to the school I'm currently attending.
I could have gone to the party central or the rich kids school but....nope.
I chose Manchester High, the alleged "Home of Champions" (have yet to see any but whatever). Why? I heard constantly that their science program is was excellent. The campus itself apparently was amazing. A lot of good things.
Oh, and vibes apparently did "tun up."

But now I'm here and.....none of the above have been proven to me. I was told by Excelsior (who, incidentally, is right beside me as I type this on his laptop) that I came a "tad late". And damn, do I agree!

Why am I even doing advanced subjects? Ambition

Ok, joke time. Before I sin even more in this bright day.
Excelsior: At least you get me out of all this. I'm not worth it [fi real sah] but...you know [I don't actually] small consolation. At least you have more sarcasm and puns in your life [this is true].





I guess what I'm getting at is.....I'm the type of person who thinks on the past very heavily and wonders at the courses life could have taken had other decisions been made. And yes, I am a shitty decision-maker (viz: Ah fuck which one do I loud up....ah, yes. viz: In a relationship I didn't particularly want with a guy I hated the first day I met him, and who isn't really loved by my parents.)

So,I have a lot to think about in those nights when my body refuses to have mercy on me and allow me to go to sleep. No wonder I'm a depressed teen 70% of the time and a complete bitch the other 30%. How do people deal with me?

I think that's it for now. I feel myself getting the beginnings of a mind-ache.

Wanting a book to read now and having none :"(,

@Jaye_Eccentriq

Misinterpreted Signals (Decode)

I had a lot to say to you
Yes...lots.
I kept noticing: you were always watching me.
Your eyes were always glued to me and
It made no sense to me at all until I realized after I let them take you that

They taped over your mouth, scribbled out our truth with their lies
Those little spies!

Was that what you were trying to communicate to me?
I'm sorry for not listening.
It probably makes my questions null and void.
The ones like

"How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?"
How did we get here?
I think I know now...

Misinterpreted signals.
I read them all wrong.
Maybe if I'd known before that

They taped over your mouth, scribbled out our truth with their lies
(Those little spies)

I would have read them right.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well.
I decoded your messages wrong.

I don't know you as well as I thought.

@Jaye_Eccentriq

16 years

Burnout

As I write this my eyes are droopy.
So I'll keep it short and to the point.
Haven't even edited this. Don't intend to.

I don't know what this is going to turn out to be
Maybe a poem, maybe not....
But I'm tired.
SO
SO
TIRED.

What is this?
I've switched eyes with a panda.
I'm weak.
I'm (more) moody.
I don't eat.
All I can do is complain about how tired I am.

I pretty much give up.
On school, on life, on everything.


Is this what they call...
Burnout?

@Jaye_Eccentriq

16 years

Why I am a Writer: Applications of My Genius

It's painfully simple, really. I write because I can't don't can't don't draw. I express myself better through words than pictures. I use drawing when I want to make fun of people. (Yes, I'm a bit of a caricaturist.)
Yes, I draw. But I'm more likely to come up with a killer punchline for a cartoon or a caption for a picture than...you know, draw. Not that I don't like drawing. I do. A lot. I just like writing more.
At nights, when I can't won't can't sleep, I'm just there in bed composing poems like hell......I feel like a Mozart, except, y'know, for the early death and being a prodigy. I'm talented--- or so people tell me--- but I don't think I'm a prodigy.
But writing is just... I cant describe it properly. It's like my very own religious experience. When I write, it's almost as if I can see God, like God is writing through me. Don't mean to blaspheme but...maybe that's why I don't write perfect poems in one go. I write, reread, mumble "Aw dammit", edit, reread and discard it in frustration and start over. Then it's lather, rinse and repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.
AND REPEAT.
It's frustrating as HELL.
Is this what great writers like Shakespeare, Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky had to go through to produce masterpieces such as Romeo and Juliet, Anna Karenina and my favorite, The Brothers Karamazov?

It continues to be simple, but now there's a hint of complexity.
I write because I read.
I'm a bibliophile UNDERSTATEMENT OF ALL TIME I live and breathe books. I eat, sleep and think books. Doesn't matter what type of book it is, I'll read it. It's this that got me to read shit stuff like Fifty Shades of Grey while hating girl porn and fan fiction, both of which it is....
In light of all this (and more but I won't bore you) it means that I write because I'm running out of reading material...
Yes, this happens when one has been reading since the age of one and continues to do so at the ripe old age of 16 years and 4 months. I am more well-read than most people twice my age....
And due to how I know what I like, I write what I like so I can read more of what I like.
Get it?

And.....I write because I need an outlet for these depressing thoughts of mine. Self-explanatory.

Going to class (and gonna write more than notes),

@Jaye_Eccentriq

The Vybz Kartel Saga: My Thoughts on it

So....Vybz Kartel was found guilty of murder yesterday. The really sad part of it is I missed the Twitter hullaballoo last night. I'd wanted to tweet something witty like "Worl' boss tun Worl' Ass now" or "A lone tears Kartel mussi deh pon yah now, lerl" but.....I missed it.

Anyway, he and three of his co-accused were convicted. The one yute found not guilty must be counting his blessings Kevin 2wo Krayzee style (S/O to him, #NoFksGvn). I'm happy for him. As for Kartel himself, Shawn Storm, Andre St. John and Kahira Jones (thought this was a woman; it's not...) I'm withholding my opinions, 'cause, well..... let's just say Kartel has more than a few fans (I finally get why it's short for fanatic), quite a few of whom were on my TV last night chanting "Free Worl' Boss! Free Worl' Boss!"  And, you know, I'm only sixteen. Way too young to die.
You understand what I'm trying to say?

Even though the whole point of this whole post was to air my thoughts and all but... mi fraid a mad people sah!

Adidja "Vybz Kartel" Palmer.
This man is intelligent as HELL. Like, extremely intelligent. Wasted talent intelligent. He was a Calabar boy before they kicked him out. That's how intelligent he is.

Quick note: Calabar High= THE best boys' school in Jamaica.

Now I don't listen to Kartel's music. Frankly, lyrics about how tight a woman's front is or how many shots I can leggo in a yute's chest don't entice me. But I've heard extracts of the songs while on the road and I have to admit that the man's rhyming skills are on point.

Allow me to interrupt your thoughts. Luckily for me, I got to sneak a post on FB before it was too late.... "Well all [I said was] Kartel shudda buck a gyal weh study law instead #EnuffSaid"

As it relates to Twitter posts, however I'm completely lame so I just creeped on other people's TLs. However, though the evidence seemed circumstantial, a 10-1 guilty verdict and an attempt to bribe the foreman is quite enough for me. Commenting on a thought [Jaye_Eccentriq] shared, Kartel is intelligent, but he just needs to learn to utilize his intelligence or else it's pretty useless.

And those women though need fi go find wuk fi feed dem hungry self and dem malnourished pickney [no offense to the children] *makes rude noise* I was beyond disappointed.

Yeah, that part was written by a sempai (for you non-manga lovers, it's upperclass[wo]man) by the name of Akeliah Blake (couldn't think of a proper nickname). I wonder if you happened to notice the different prosaic voices....?

Well Kartel (and the others), looks like it's "Back to Life" in prison for y'all.

Vibes cut 'cause I lost my train of thought,

@Jaye_Eccentriq

and Akeliah ^_^

Your Smile

Yes, so I'm going to make me a sloppy post.

Before I start, let me just name him Iceburg (wrong spelling, I know.). But he'll see this (because I'm sending him the link) and he's gonna smile and say "Ohhhh I see what she did there". So that's out of the way. Let me begin to be a girly-girl.

So there I was, in the photo room at school, when I was leafing through the yearbook from about 3 years ago. Right there in the 5th form graduates section, who did I see but Iceburg (and that didn't sound too excellent but whatever) with THE cutest smile ever. Now that put a smile on my face for the rest of the day, and as I'm typing this I'm still smiling.

I should probably state that I have a thing for guys with cute smiles...

Anyway, the thing is he doesn't really smile much. You know those people who laugh more than they smile? That's him. Although I've tried on so many occasion to get him to smile more often, it's been a royal fail so far but.............
I lust after that smile with every fiber of my being. Seriously.

I won't even make fun of it and say [insert rude comments I'd normally make about big tee]. 
I wish I could see his smile every single day.

I am in love with it. Hopelessly, irrevocably in love with it.
Which is a damn shame, considering....no, never mind.

Still in love with that smile,

@Jaye_Eccentriq

Ophiophobia and why I'm Ophiophobic: A Harangue against Serpents

Ophiophobia: The inexplicable fear or terror of snakes.

On second thought.....maybe I'm not ophiophobic; I can explain with perfect clarity why I'm terrified of snakes.

They're disgusting, creepy and poisonous. I don't care if they don't spew venom into my veins. They can cause my painful, slow, agonizing death. Therefore they are poisonous. If I may borrow a quote from Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: 

She despised snakes, be the breed what they might....

He may have been describing Tom's Aunt Sally, but he sure as hell could be describing me right there.

I don't care if they're garden snakes, boa constrictors or mambas. They can all kill me.

Garden snakes, if/when I see them, can cause me to run screaming for my life. While running, I might fall into an open sewer (even though there are none I know of nearby) and die. Or I may fly across the road and have a car hit me down and I die in great agony. That's why they're poisonous to me.

Boa constrictors basically hug me to death. Now, I like love hugs, but not from, y'know, animals like those. I mean, come on. Squeezing my insides out through my mouth? I think that's one of the more disturbing ways to go, and when I go (at the ripe old age of 105) I'm going out with a bang, not an "OOOWWWWWWWWW JEEZAS CHRIS' NUH MEK MI DEAD SUH". You get me?

And mambas.....if my memory serves me right (as it usually does when it comes to academia and trivia) they're the most venomous snakes ever. Need I say more?

The very thought of snakes is enough to fill mine and Excelsior's swear jars if we had any (I type as I sit here mumbling swear words to myself). They're just really.........serpentine and..... EW. Ugh. [insert bitchy behavior here]

If I had my way, they'd all be extinct (Haha, was gonna type instinct). I do not give a rat's ass whether or not they serve a purpose in the global ecosystem. DEM FI [badword badword] DEAD.

Why did Noah allow them to slither into the Ark? (For those of us who say we're Christians).

Them and mosquitoes, but that's a harangue for another day. Maybe tomorrow (I type as I wonder why Noah didn't just swat them).

I leave you with this, my personal idea of Hell.

Shuddering and still ophiophobic,

@Jaye_Eccentriq