An Attempt to Empty My Mind... Part I

Yes. I have resurfaced (however momentarily) from the mires of UWI life.

DISCLAIMER: the title of this blog contains the word "ramblings". These thoughts of mine are literally in no semblance of order, and as a symbol of this i shan't be proofreading a single thing.

So...after a semester here I've watched myself change. Sure, they say change is good and all but now it's still a bit difficult to look in the mirror and actually like what i see there.

There is usually some sort of smile on my face but God bless the one person who looks at me regularly and says "SJ you need to smile more...and i mean actually smile."

I'm usually around a lot of people these days. Stick around and I'm sure you'll learn how i hate being around people most of the time. How many of those i spend my days with notice? Probably just one.

Not that I'm seeking attention. I guess this is the side of me that kinda wishes i was still in high school where life was relatively easy and my friends were all in one place.

Lol. But... (and this is how i know I'm a contrary woman)

I like being in uni. I enjoy the freedom i have here to be myself. I like not having to explain myself. I like the people I've met here (s/o to the Creed)

Change of pace, change of mindset, expanding headspace. I learn to appreciate that you might be competition and not help. I tolerate things easier now.

Yes, on the inside I'm still that little brown girl who loves to listen to Imagine Dragons at 2am when everyone is asleep. I guess it's just that now I'll always be listening to Smoke + Mirrors with a smile on my face.

Still that little brown girl who likes hanging with one or two people, just discussing our dreams. Just that the one or two people aren't the same as before.

Still that little brown girl on the edge wondering if i should jump. Just that now my vision is a bit sharper and i can see part of the outcome.

That's what's important, isn't it? I'm still the little brown girl.

The Obligatory College Post

After about 2 months, here I am. This apologizing for not writing regularly is gonna get old really quick.

But 2 months ago, I wrote a post entitled "Terrified of life post-HS", wherein I expressed my terror of coming to university because I felt I was immature.

I'm not gonna say those fears I had were unfounded. It's just that between then and now, I have matured....somewhat.

What happened? I started university.

For the first time ever, I'm here on my own. No mom or grandma to do stuff for me while cussing me about my inherent laziness, and the customary "yuh soon gone pah yuh own, weh yah go do when wi nuh deh yah" diatribe.

What am I doing, now that I'm on my own?

First off, I've made new friends, seniors and otherwise, hallmates and otherwise. I've strengthened old friendships. I'm learning how to be a better friend, because we all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes.
 I've learned what it means to have guys left, right and center wanting to make me the latest in a long line of bedpost notches, and how to keep them at a safe distance. Safe, of course, meaning a distance where they don't see me anymore...
I've learned how to be responsible. If I don't cook, I don't eat. So I cook, or I buy food when I'm lazy or tired after a long day of classes.
I monitor my alcohol intake when I party. I know my limits. Three gives a nice buzz. Four puts me over the edge.
I have had to learn patience. Orientation taught me that much. I learned what it meant to look to the hills from whence cometh my help and say "Bridle my tongue, Lord" because it was either that or tell some of them some real rude words and end up jeopardizing my chances to live peacefully on hall. I learned how to survive on literally one hour of sleep and not collapse, or even look in any way unhealthy.
I have had to learn how to deal with loneliness. Mom isn't here, and even though we talk every day that's not the same as our Saturday conversations or when she'd come sit on my bed and we talk about life and love and everything in between.
I've learned how to stay afloat and visible in a sea of 100+ people in my lectures. It's not easy, but I'm doing it, because I can't afford to get lost in the shadows that is UWI.

I've learned how to coexist with different cultures, beliefs and sexualities. (Yes I have seen homosexuals AND bisexuals, and God knows it's difficult seeing a man and have to consider him competition and not potential X_X)

Basically, I'm an adult now. In more ways than one. And I like it.

-me,

Terrified of life post-HS

Don't get me wrong. My last exam is Friday , and I cannot wait for it to be done with. But....it's the afterward I have issues with. If you've been with me from the inception of this blog, you'll know that I'm 17.

There is a reason, as I have discovered, that disciplines such as medicine have an age limit. (Those of you who live in a cave 10,000 feet underground, you have to be an adult in the year you apply)
It's called maturity. Dunno what that is? Google it.

Maturity, which apparently I don't have enough of. Let's not go into details just now. I got an exam in half an hour. But yeah..... I'm not ready.

If you've been with me since the inception of this blog (thanks btw) you'll know that my eating and sleeping habits are essentially shit. Were it not for my dear mom most of the time, I'd probably be dead of exhaustion before I hit fourteen.

She won't be around me  all the time to "Jo eat/go bed nuh"
Which, unfortunately, means that I'll be losing quite some weight by December. And the bags around my eyes shall quadruple in size. Yay.

Aside from that, my decision making skills are shit. Case in point: Iceburg. Remember him? Exactly.

Emotionally....I'm just not as prepared for this as I thought. I am actually genuinely fucking scared.
Call it low self-esteem but.... Part of me wants to curl up under my bed with my books and cry.

-me.

I have exams less than a week from now.

Which is why you haven't really been seeing much activity on here since February. I'm sooo sorry guys. But ambition and all. 😉

I think for now I want to talk about how much I've (not) matured since starting sixth form.

I was fifteen, first of all, the reserved type. I was actually pretty clannish, come to think of it. No tact to speak of. Judgmental as hell....and coming from someone who purports to dislike being judged...
And I think I was pretty contrary and hypocritical. Stubborn too. Oh, the list could continue on forever.

Secondly, in terms of academia, I had this notion that heyy I made it to sixth form. I'm the shit. Blah bluh blah. 

I also was pretty sure what direction my life was supposed to take....that'll be funny later on.

Now I'm seventeen (and a half 😁😁😁) and...I was so stupid yo

I'm not saying I'm now omniscient since I'm almost out of sixth form. But I've learnt quite a lot. I learned what true humility is. (After unit 1 CAPE who wouldn't?) I learned what true friendship is. I learned how to not be a silly bitch and actually be friendly to people (Excelsior... 😄)

But I seem to have developed a sudden case of identity crisis and am unsure as to what the hell I want to do when I get to college. Oh well.

So I guess this is it. These days I'm forever tired. Just wanna curl up below a fan for a full year and read and listen to Imagine Dragons and Damien Rice and write.
But no pain no gain is what they always say.

Till June, guys. ✌👋

-me.

"Love is in the air, so I

.... I hold my breath till my face turns purple...." --Weezy

Yes, guys, it's almost Valentine's Day. The day we set aside to celebrate some form of love.

No I am not going to celebrate it myself. Why do that? (Besides the fact that I don't have a Valentine, haha)

But even though I'm not a big fan of stuff like that, I do like love songs.
Not the mushy crap either.

I like songs like Love the way You Lie, My Fault.... The different side to it, I guess?

Currently my favorite love song is Imagine Dragons' Bleeding Out. 
I was studying last night to their album (Night Visions, fam it's the best) and because my tablet is a gassy, it plays songs in alphabetical order and not according to track number. So after  America and Amsterdam there came into my ears this:

I'm bleeding out

So if the last thing that I do is bring you down

I'll bleed out for you

So i bare my skin and I count my sins

And I close my eyes and I take it in

Cuz I'm bleeding out

I'm bleeding out for you, for you ...

At some point I'll find you the link guys. But the song is a-may-zing

To be fully honest though it's not really a love song so much as it's a sad song... Not mutually exclusive as I'd once thought.

You tell me to hold on

Oh, you tell me to hold on

But innocence is gone

And what was right is wrong...

And because that song is music set to poetry, I got in the mood to write poems.

I hit up on the idea to write sort of a fanfic of 1000 Forms of Fear, because that album is also one of my favorites.

What I'm doing is I take the song apart and insert my own lines into it. I'm putting them on my other actual poetry blog so you can view whenever you feel like. Currently I'm at Eye of the Needle.

Anyway. I'm currently hungry as a dog, so I'm gonna sign off and scavenge for food from my mom.
Cheers.

me.

So, I saw this and said I haven’t done one in ages soooo here it is…some of them I don’t feel comfortable answering just like that so for like friends’ names I put things that only myself and some other friends would know. If the formatting comes out shittily, I apologize. Here we go.

1. Full Name: 

I did this already. But let's stick to SJ.

2. Zodiac Sign:

Scorpio

3. 3 Fears: 

Umm death, blindness and..........snakes? Yeah, I hate those.

4. 3 Things I love:

Books, music, art

5. 4 turns on: 

Haha they said "turns on".. Anyways, I’ve never really thought of this in detail. Can I get back to you on this one?

6. 4 turns off: 

This again? Obnoxious people?

7.My best friend : 

Well of course there's the Jav-elin...and the Indian gal

8. Sexual Orientation : 

Straight

9. My best first date: 

N/A, sadly

10. How tall am I : 

Better question would be how short I am. Answer: 5'2"

11. What do I miss: 

The days before puberty

12. What time was I born: 

According to my mom it was like 5 am or something

13. Favourite colour: 

Purple, blue, silver....some shades of red

14. Do I have a crush: 

But of course :3

15. Favourite quote: 

It's not just one, fam

16. Favourite place:

Wherever there's food, Wi-Fi, books.

17. Favourite food: 

Look for the post on that

18. Do I use sarcasm: 

Now why would I ever use that?

19. What am I listening to right now: 

The entire Night Visions album (by Imagine Dragons)

20. First thing I notice in new person:

Their teeth (don't judge me)

21. Shoe size: 

Son.....

22. Eye colour: 

Brown

23. Hair colour: 

Black (with some parts of brown that only God knows where those came from)

24. Favourite style of clothing: 

If it can cover my nether regions, it's good enough for me

25. Ever done a prank call?: 

Nah

26. What colour of underwear I’m wearing now?: 

Blue and grey

27. Meaning behind URL: 

I don’t actually know for sure, I’ll Google it now though….Uniform resource locater :D

28. Favourite movie: 

The Shawshank Redemption

29. Favourite song: 

Elastic Heart-Sia

30. Favourite band: 

Imagine Dragons!!!! and Pentatonix

31. How I feel right now: 

Needa pee, kinda hungry, BORED < which is why I'm doing this

32. Someone I love: 

My mama :)

33. My current relationship status: 

"Relationship" XD

34. My relationship with my parents: 

COMPLICATED

35. Favourite holiday: 

Christmas….is there any other?

36. Tattoos and piercing I have: 

NONE

37. Tattoos and piercing I want:

I’d get either a wrist tattoo or one of those going around your arm like Nicki Minaj’s or maybe a tramp stamp....and I'd pierce my ears...and my navel...probably my lip too

38. The reason I joined Tumblr: 

I’m gonna change this to Twitter cuz I forgot my Tumblr password….because a friend told me I should join and I haven’t left since

39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?: 

I find this question hilarious though

40. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?: 

I’ve gotten them once or twice

41. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: 

Yeah, on the cheek

42. When did I last hold hands?: 

Probably yesterday

43. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: 

Does this include the process of waking up cuz that takes me forever! Maybe around half an hour

44. Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? : 

You have not, and neither have I

45. Where am I right now?: 

School, in the computer lab

46. If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: 

The squad

47. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: 

Depends on my mood and the song to be honest

48. Do I live with my mom and dad?: 

Long story short, yeah

49. Am I excited for anything?: 

I’m actually excited to go to university

50. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: 

I’d like to believe I can tell Jav anything so yeah

51. How often do I wear a fake smile? : 

Every time I talk to someone I’m not very familiar or comfortable with, or I have to take a posing pic

52. When was the last time I hugged someone?: 

This morning

53. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: 

I’d have no problem

54. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: 

Probably

55. What is something I disliked about today?: 

The fact that I've nothing to do and half the squad isn't here

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth who would it be?: 

Probably Oprah in the hopes of her adopting me or giving me her fortune to inherit

57. What do I think about most?: 

People and their quirks, life

58. What’s my strangest talent?: 

I don’t even know, I can do this wiggling thing with each of my ears individually? And I can knot string with my tongue

59. Do I have any strange phobias?: 

Strange? No, I thinking hating snakes is a good phobia

60. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: 

This also depends on my mood but mostly behind it

61. What was the last lie I told?: 

"I'm doing OK at school" >__>

62. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Depends on the person. Video chatting online with a good internet connection!

63. Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: 

No, and probably just a little

64. Do I believe in magic?: 

*sings* in a young girl’s heart. Lol, but no

65. Do I believe in luck?: 

Ummmm I dunno? Yes? No?

66. What’s the weather like right now?: 

Oh, cuz I must turn around and look nuh true? Kmt

67. What was the last book I’ve read?: 

I read so much I'm amazed I can remember, but I'm reading the Private series by Kate Brian currently

68. Do I like the smell of gasoline?: 

I actually do

69. Do I have any nicknames?: 

Jo, SJ, Bookie (I HATE this), Jailbait, Post-Jailbait, Post-Post-Jailbait, Girl Formerly Known as Jailbait...shall I continue?

70. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: 

We talking physical injuries? Sprained my ankle in 4th grade

71. Do I spend money or save it?: 

Both

72. Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: 

No fam

73. Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: 

No fam

74. Favourite animal?: 

Cats

75. What was I doing last night at 12AM?: 

Sleeping, but only just

76. What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: 

The hell kinda question yah ax mi fam?

77. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: 

I’m not even sure, I’ll find out and come back and tell you

78. How can you win my heart?: 

Be you.

79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: 

"The road to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell" It's a quote from an ID song

80. What is my favourite word?: 

It long AF dawg. 45 letters

81. My top 5 blogs on tumblr?: 

Yeah, I really couldn't answer this

82. If the whole world were listening to me right now what would I say?: 

Advocate world peace, "let's all work together to end world hunger"

83. Do I have any relatives in jail?: 

Not that I know of

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is the power?: 

This question has been asked so many times and I still don’t have an answer for it.

85. What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: 

Now why would I tell you that when you could ask me and know I’m lying?

86. What is my current desktop picture?: 

One of me and my sister

87. Had sex? : 

I’m as a virginal as a brand new baby

88. Bought condoms?: 

Fi wah?

89. Gotten pregnant?: 

If I haven’t had sex how do you expect me to get pregnant (Don’t get technical on me)

90. Failed a class?: 

Classes

91. Kissed a boy?:

…

92. Kissed a girl?:

…

93. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:

...

94. Had job?: 

I’ve never gotten paid so I guess not

95. Left the house without my wallet?: 

Nah

96. Bullied someone on the internet?: 

Not to my knowledge

97. Had sex in public?: 

Please refer to #87

98. Played on a sports team?: 

Yeah

99. Smoked weed?: 

...

100. Did drugs?: 

Of course. I take painkillers and DPH and dem shit

101. Smoked cigarettes?: 

EW

102. Drank alcohol?: 

...

103. Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: 

I man is a good BBC CARNIVORE

104. Been overweight?: 

Yeah

105. Been underweight?: 

No sah

106. Been to a wedding?: 

Yup

107. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:

Do you mean 15 hours straight?

108. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: 

I don't watch TV

109. Been outside my home country?: 

I have

110. Gotten my heart broken?: 

Nope

111. Been to a professional sports game?: 

Nope

112. Broken a bone?: 

Nooo......I think

113. Cut myself?: 

Yeah

114. Been to prom?: 

We don’t have that here

115. Been in airplane?: 

Yup

116. Fly by helicopter?: 

Bucket list item #37

117. What concerts have I been to?: 

The ones in my head when I'm miming songs

118. Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:

Are we talking like woman crush Wednesday? If so then yeah, otherwise, no

119. Learned another language?: 

Two

120. Wore make-up?: 

Yup

121. Lost my virginity before I was 18?: 

Please refer to #87

122. Had oral sex?: 

Please refer to #87

123. Dyed my hair?: 

Sadly, no

124. Voted in a presidential election?: 

1. I'm 17. 2. We have a PM not a Prez

125. Rode in an ambulance?: 

Nope

126. Had a surgery?: 

Nope

127. Met someone famous?:

Lightning Bolt in 2nd form. I was so starstruck lol

128. Stalked someone on a social network?: 

Who hasn’t?

129. Peed outside?: 

I am from Jamaica bush so yeah

130. Been fishing?:

Not that bush

131. Helped with charity?:

No :c

132. Been rejected by a crush?: 

IDR

133. Broken a mirror?: 

No

134. What do I want for birthday?: 

Books, money, further loving :)

135. How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:

I don't even want kids fam

136. Was I named after anyone?:

IDK

137. Do I like my handwriting?: 

I've got so many though

138. What was my favourite toy as a child?: 

I did not have toys fam, I had books

139. Favourite TV Show?: 

Mi nuh watch TV bossy

140. Where do I want to live when older?: 

In a nice house that doesn’t have a mortgage, preferably in an exotic destination

141. Play any musical instrument?: 

Air guitar XD

142. One of my scars, how did I get it?: 

Beaten

143. Favourite pizza topping?:

Most of them make me sick so cheese

144. Am I afraid of the dark?: 

I like to say that it is representative of my soul so no

145. Am I afraid of heights?: 

No

146. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?: 

I don’t do anything, I’m an angel X""D

147. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:

Of course, I go to school and I’m a science student with teachers who don’t like giving marks

148. What I’m really bad at: 

School, and feelings

149. What my greatest achievements are: 

Lemme consider that and come back

150. The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: 

I’d rather not

151. What I’d do if I won in a lottery:

Mommy, grandparents well off

152. What do I like about myself: 

Look for the post

153. My closest Tumblr friend:

I’d change this to Twitter but I don’t even have an answer for that either

154. Something I fantasise about: 

Being famous



155. Any question you’d like: Did I answer all the questions truthfully?  

The ones I did answer, yes :D

The dictionary defines a masochist as one who enjoys pain, and

I'm starting to think I'm one of those people.

No, I'm not about to enter a BDSM relationship a la 50 Shades of Grey. I'm not into that particular kinky fuckery.

I'm talking about the Jordanian pilot ISIS incinerated like ever so much garbage.
Yes, I watched 3 videos wherein they beheaded journalists, and I barely managed to not bawl. The post is here still, I just can't bother linking to it right now. Sorry.

But I watched the one where they burnt the pilot alive.
And.....I had to bawl tears. If you've been with me on this blog from early, you'll have figured out that I don't cry much/easily. But this time? This time I couldn't not emote in some way.

For those of you who didn't see it or hear about it, because you live in a cave under the sea somewhere, allow me to summarize what happened.

• They beat him up, cuz he was "defiant"
• They doused him in gas
• They put him in a metal cage, about 8 feet by 6, and put kindling in there and gassed it too
• They put a rope leading to the cage and gassed that too
• They set the rope on fire. Which burned steadily until it reached the cage, then the inferno just....

Now, I went on Wikipedia (most unreliable source ever) this morning and researched how does burning alive kill you. It ain't quick, homey.

It pretty much kills you when it melts your internal organs.

How long does that take? A while.

I also read that Muslims don't burn their people. 

So to them who are calling them a Muslim militant group..... ya might wanna rethink that epithet, son.

And then, with my masochistic little self, I went  looking for their Twitter....thank God I didn't find it though >.<

Are they really human though? Can they really really be human and do something like that to their fellow human?

I can't say anything more.

If this is what humans are going to evolve (or really devolve) into, kill me from now. Just make it quick. One bullet between the eyes is good enough.

Highly disturbed,

-me.