01: Introduction and recent photo

The recent photo thing nah go work enuh. I prefer being behind the camera than being in front of it.
But here goes.

My name is Shari-Jo Miller. (I really didn't want to do this, but oh well.) I'm 16 years old as at this blog post.

What else....?
I'm not good at talking about myself.

Umm....

I like reading in bed on rainy afternoons. I like talking to smart people, and people like me. But then I like being alone with my thoughts more.

I like books. I mean, I really adore books. I don't care what kind of book it is. I'll read it and then complain about how the writing was jacked-up after I'm done. And I read really quickly. I finished one of my favorite books, The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (who was born on the same day as me) in 3 hours. It was almost 1000 pages. Fine print.

Excelsior told me recently that I read "faster than fuck". That depends on how fast a fuck is, but I don't like raunchy jokes so I won't go there.

I like music. Like Eminem, classical, and Sia. Definitely Sia. I'd say why, but I did in a previous post.

I like beauty and art as well. They're what make the world....well....beautiful. I don't like pretty stuff. Pretty is fake. Beautiful isn't.

And I like chocolate. Regardless of the fact that it makes pimples sprout on my face faster than I read. It tastes damn good.

Aaaaaaand I guess that's it.
As I said, I suck at talking about myself.

Talking about my fears is a whole challenge in itself. And were I to start talking about what I don't like, I'd be late for my Comm Studies test that I have in a few minutes that I have yet to study for.

Oh. Someone asked me recently why I named this blog "thewaywardgenius".
Because I've a 160 IQ, which apparently makes me a genius (although I dunno about that. I trod that fine line between genius and insanity) and, instead of following the path my forbears have trod and learning from their mistakes, I make my own. Deliberately.

That's why. Well..that, and "rebelliousgenius" sounded too mainstream.

Yes, this post is so disorganized. But I am.
Toodle-oo.

@Jaye_Eccentriq

Surfing the net, reading another blog and this happened.

Now, I'm shitty when it comes to consistent writing. But I like challenges, and I've always wanted the motivation to write more. Currently there are (this makes it) 31 posts on this blog. I'd like to make it more before 2015 comes in and my life starts spinning in circles so fast that I get dizzy.

The 30-day Blog Challenge.

Admittedly, some of these are stupid. I mean, how can I make a sensible blog post about what's in my handbag? I don't even own a handbag. Those I wear are my mother's. But anyway. I'll be a good person and complete this challenge.

I might not do it for 30 days straight. I might not even do them in order.  But, I guess it's the fact that there'll be 30 more blog posts by the time I've done this challenge.

Wish me luck.

@Jaye_Eccentriq

Even though I'm all barely repressed emotions, I still

like to pretend I'm not.

So I like songs that talk about inner strength, or being unbreakable, or rising above it all.
Like Elastic Heart, Titanium Pills N Potions...those sorts of songs.

I think I think (read it properly) that if I delude myself well enough that I'm bulletproof, titanium, all of that (BTW big up YouTube for the links. Y'all the illest.)

Fire away, fire away.
I dare not say that to those who hurt me, or those who wish to. Because they will fire away, but...the bullets won't ricochet. They'll sink in, piercing my fragile skin, flagellating it. And I fear pain.

I am not titanium.
I'm human. Regardless of how I wish it otherwise, I feel just as everyone else does. I just do a better job (ha. Bullshit.) of hiding it.

You did not break me. I'm still fighting for me. I've got thick skin and an elastic heart....but your blade, it might be too sharp...

Stone heart loves bulletproof glass.

My "titanium heart" is glass. Not even Pyrex. Crystal. Knock it too hard and I'm gone.

Nothing to lose, but don't fire away. Please.

Now let's be clear, I trust no one.
Except the trusted few. Excelsior, the rest...

The point of this post?
I lie to myself in the hopes that one day I'll be telling the truth.

Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the same things repeatedly while expecting different results each time."

Take from that what you may.

Not melancholy, but I'm on my way

@Jaye_Eccentriq

Excelsior asked me a few minutes ago, "Would anything change if

people didn't think you have it together?"

I'm going to assume that "anything" he's talking about is my image of myself and my world.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I'd be worse. The whole "sticks and stones may break my bones" thing doesn't apply to me. Maybe I'd sink deeper into a quagmire of depression, deeper and deeper until I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

Sometimes, even now, it's hard to do.

And maybe I'd be better. The whole "well, they know, so it makes no sense to pretend" thing also applies to me. So many things do, desirable and undesirable.
Maybe I'd actually say to myself, "They think I don't have my shit together? Well I'll show them," and actually get it together.

But...since this is a hypothetical question and I have a minor headache, I think I'll save this for tonight when I can't sleep. I'll overthink it better then.

@Jaye_Eccentriq

You know those days when all you want is

for the day to be over?

(Who am I kidding, of course you do.)

That's how I feel about this whole aspect of my life.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, other than to say it's hard being a teenage girl.

Where am I going?
I don't know.
I just want to get there.

I'm not a patient person, and to be made to wait to see what will become of me is, to the most irrational part of me, unfair. 

Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward time to when I'll be happy and at peace after accomplishing all I ever wanted to.

And then other times I want to rewind time to when I had no worries, no responsibilities other than being healthy.

Like now? I'm unhealthy as hell (had gastro a few days ago), my mental state isn't the brightest, and I struggle with so many things I'm beginning to feel like Atlas with the weight of the sky on his shoulders. Only, I hold the weight of the sky in my hands. I've not accomplished much to be honest.

People who think they know me might say to others, "Look at her. You see her? That's a girl with all her shit together."

People who do know me know I don't. I'm a scatterbrain on my best days.
Look at me. I mean really look, and you'll see. These days, I wear a Nicki Minaj smile and host Marilyn Monroe's messed-upness behind it.

I have never, ever, ever had my shit together. And the truth is, I probably never will. That's the sad truth.

@Jaye_Eccentriq

So it's that time of my life when I need to

decide what I'll be doing with my life.
The dreaded two words.

College applications.

I mean, who knew I'd be 16+ and having to stress over what college I'll be going to in a year?
Well, I am.

Now my dilemma is this: I want to do medicine so I can become a psychiatrist, for reasons previously stated here. But I can't afford $3.22 million dollars per year to do that, can I? And with these grades I got in my Unit 1 CAPE exams....I guess I have to kiss those scholarship dreams of my mother's goodbye.

So I have to be considering other options. The very sound of the phrase is ludicrous to me because, really, psychopaths are my passion. I have no other option because my heart won't give me any.

But to please my mother, and to not turn a total cruff after high school, I will apply for other things.
The easiest way to discuss them is using a list. Now I hate lists, but here I go.

1. Actuarial Science-- which is this.
        It pays a shitload of money. Admittedly, while my first ambition is to leave this society a better place than how I entered it, my second ambition is to make money. Not to be rich per se, but to not need to struggle to find money. Actuarial science does that.

2. Civil Engineering-- which is this
      One thing that fascinates me (and has done so ever since I was young.....er) is beauty. The science of beauty. the art of beauty. Making beautiful things. I'm a quasi-artist, but I want my idea of beauty to be real. I can't sculpt (never tried, but I don't think I can) so I'll just learn to construct pretty beautiful buildings.
      And it pays well too. :)

3. Foreign Languages
    Here I was all ready to type this part of the post in French, because francophilia but I reminded myself that whoever reads this speaks English only, and maybe good ole Patois. But still.
                                      J'adore le franҫais!
Spanish...I don't adore it, but I like it. One of my greatest dreams is to live in France. Any Francophone country will do, but I really, really, really want to live in Paris.
   This time, I really don't care how much it pays. I just love my languages.

So yeah...that's it. Dilemma one of many.
The sad/funny thing is I can't decide this one with a coin toss or "Who's coming next Punchinello little fellow". This is my life.

I think I need advice. Best friend, darling.... :)

@Jaye_Eccentriq

       

I may talk to loads of people, but the truth is

I don't really have many friends. I was confronted yesterday by two such, because I'm apparently "spiraling out of control". (Let's not go into that right now.) And they said, "You can talk to us. anytime, anywhere, we are here for you."

I was struck immediately by how few people I've had say that to me. And then how few people really mean that.

But why do I have only...let's see... four (or so) real friends at the moment?

I think it boils down to being "once bitten, twice shy". I have spoken to friends about what's going on in my life and it's backfired. Hard.
do you really expect me to open up after that? I still hurt. After *stops to count* 4 years, I still hurt. Badly. And then I see  this.That doesn't magically massage my bruised and broken emotions though, but I'm trying. (Me, the rambler, off on a tangent. As usual.)

So maybe I am spiraling out of control. Whatever. I don't think I am buuuuuuut let's not go there either.

The fact is, regardless of how I feel, those days when I'm just like "I have approximately zero friends!" there is someone-- technically four or so really but let's not quibble over trivialities-- who will slap me upside the head and say "Bitch what the fuck am I, a tree?" 

The funniest part of it is that there're like 2 girls (who I don't consider girls really cuz they aint feminine at all) and then the guys who I've known for like 3 years but still can't friendzone. In fact, I think I'm starting to get a crush on one such.

OK I'm gone before I spill what I'm not supposed to and get my ass in trouble.

@Jaye_Eccentriq