So many people are dying around me, and

it's sad, and scary.

One more died last night, and this one I knew. We were at school together.

People just keep losing friends and family, while I'm not, and... I'm scared.

I'm scared that the day will come when I'll have to say goodbye to someone I truly love.

Scared that all I'll have left are memories, which will eventually turn into blank spaces....and regrets for missed opportunities and not getting to say the important things.

I don't want to lose any of you, and the thought that I'm going to have to is....I can't even find the words.

So if I send you this post....
I do love you. Wholly and intensely.
I don't want to imagine my life without you. You're part of the fabric that is me.

Stay safe...even though when your time comes there's nothing you can do to postpone it, no snooze button you can hit to give yourself a few extra years...

...And drive carefully. Too many are being killed in car accidents.

Kerry....we fell out of touch after you graduated but... RIP nonetheless.

-me.

I was reading an article I found on the Huffington Post website, and

I have learned (again) that I am an introvert.

The article is entitled 23 Signs You're secretly an Introvert. You probably may not read it, so I'll just list the points.

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.

Yup. If you ask me to "tell me about yourself" I can't answer. Or "how's the weather" or "lovely weather we're having" or....when I'm at church, and it's greeting time, and I'm apprehended before I get to go outside and someone grabs me and says "God bless you"
My response: Plastic smile. And I walk away ASAP. Sooner, sometimes.

2. You go to parties-- but not to meet people.

I don't go to parties. Mostly because I'm not allowed to, but I wouldn't go even if I could. It's not xenophobia. Seriously. It's not.

3. You often feel alone in a crowd.

Do I even need to say anything more?

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.

Yeah, I get that I need to make "links" and have "contacts" so that when I'm working my life will be a bit easier but.......I feel like it's just a means to an end and.... I'm selfish and manipulative, but not that much.

5. You've been called "too intense".

"SJ yuh extra!" (Jamaican-speak for "You's an intense kid")
I know I'm intense. That's why my feelings and I don't get along.

6. You're easily distracted.

The worst part of this is I've a 160 IQ, which makes me a genius. So I can be in class, ready to learn and be productive, and I do that for about 5 minutes and then..... "Can I go to the bathroom please?" And I trod the school, gaze a little, commune with myself and return in time for class to be dismissed.
I can be having a gazebo convo and in the middle of it I just leave cuz it's suddenly boring AF, or I just remembered a convo I need to have with myself.

7. Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.

Downtime is when I'm productive, actually. In the midst of the hubbub and chaos that is "uptime", I get overwhelmed and confused. I don't deal well with noise. It addles my wits and I get stupid(er)....
But when I'm home alone (like yesterday) I am happy and free and energetic.
 When my parents got home in the 6:00 hours last night, I literally felt myself sagging with exhaustion. I can't wait until tomorrow when it's me-time again.

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with them after.

I have been in the public eye before, for an extended period of time, so I know what it's like. Being me, the having to talk in front of even 5 people makes me nervous, much more 500. It's stressful, but not as much as the mingling. Trust me.

9. When you get on the subway (taxi for us Jamaicans) you sit at the edge of the seat, not the middle.

I sit at the front of every single taxi I take. If I can't get a front seat I'm not taking the taxi. Simple.
 Except when my patience runs out and I jump in the nearest taxi that's leaving. [Not about to leave. Leaving.]

10. You start to shut down after being active for too long.

This is one reason I come home tired from school every single day.

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert.

Yes, if you can call it a relationship. Iceburg the type of guy who, when we're walking on the town, sees everybody he knows and calls yells across the street "Yooo mi chargie wah gwaan?!?!"
I'm the type of girl who, when we're walking on the town, sees everybody I know and says to him, "If dem cyah see me mi nah call to dem enuh. Come, hide me. You tall."

12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing rather than try to do everything.

Maybe that's why I want to do a medical specialty rather than be just a GP. Idk. Maybe.

13. You actively avoid any shows that may involve audience participation.

Because really, is anything more terrifying?

14. You screen all your calls-- even from friends.

I don't answer calls, unless they're from my family, and only because they are my family.

15. You notice details that others don't.

"That design, guys.....I like how it is, especially the way they hid the flower in the middle."
"SJ...........you alone seeing this enuh."

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.

My favorite conversation partner is myself. No one understands me like I do. :)

17. You have low blood pressure.

Actually it's normal but whatever.

18. You've been called an old soul-- since your 20s.

I'm in my teens still... but my grandma likes to say I have "an old soul in a young body"... Maybe that's why so many people believe in reincarnation?

19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings.

No, ok? Just.....no.

20. You look at the big picture.

I try to, and I succeed most of the time anyway.

21. You've been told to "come out of your shell".

So fucking many times though.

22. You're a writer.

Clearly :)

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

Maybe that's why some days I just randomly retreat from everybody at school and enter silent mode.



Sooo.......big up Huffington Post for the article, and big up mandevillegirl who linked to it in her post. Y'all the real MVPs.

Introverted-ly,

-me.

05: Your views on religion

So it's exam time, which means I'll have more time to do these challenges...but then I might not, cuz I may just decide to be a productive 6th former and actually study. I dunno. Let's see how that works out.

My views on religion are, it seems, unique. I haven't spoken to or read about anyone else with these views or even anything remotely similar. Except Jav. He's special.
 Yes Jav. Skin teet galang. You are spesh. :*

DISCLAIMER: If you's the gullible type, getting slung round by any breeze that blows, read no further.  If you decide to read on, I take no responsibility for you suddenyl questioning your beliefs. OK? Moving on.

Religion is vital to society. Let me just admit that right off the bat. The laws of every country are based on religious teachings, especially the 10 commandments.Religion is what prevents anarchy, because, as my grandma likes to say, "Rule dung a hell" and what is society compared to hell?

Religion is indispensable. Everyone's morals are religion-based. Even atheists'. Even mine.
"I can't kill someone, my conscience would murder me."  I draw your attention to the commandment which states Thou shalt not kill. Conclusions? Form your own.

But it's this same un-do-without-ability of religion that makes me think of it as some world-class brainwashing. I'm talking some high-quality, first-class second-to-none brainscrubbing.  Look at the Muslims, especially those guys in ISIS (who frankly terrify me). They were taught all their lives that the rest of us are infidels who should be eradicated because we don't praise Allah.
 But then don't Jews and Christians teach their kids a different wording of the same idea?? 

Anyway. You gotta spread the subliminal idea of "There's a man/woman/men/women upstairs who's watching you, and will punish you severely if you disobey these laws we've set out for you to follow" to keep everyone docile and obedient. Fear is an excellent way to keep peace and order, y'know. There's a reason dictators rule by fear.

Conveniently, no one has ever truly seen this deity. Said deity is allegedly away up yonder, in a land where only the dead can travel to... but the dead tell no tales, remember?

Notice I've been careful to talk only about religion. That's because this is a very controversial topic and I'm well aware that a few of my readers are, for lack of a better word, Jesus-freaks. Show them a different perspective (or try to, anyway) and they're ready to fly down your throat for their Lord.
So I'm not gonna say a single thing about God. I did, in my very first post on this blog entitled Deus and I will say no more, 'less dem try fly dung my throat and dem a nuh crackers suh is bare problem that woulda be.

I dunno. See, I'm the type of person who questions things. Everything. 
If we talk on a certain level, you'll realize that my questions invariably start with "Why" or "How" or "What if".
I've got an investigative/analytical mind. Meaning I think like a scientist. I ask questions, formulate hypotheses, experiment and draw conclusions. So if I ask "Does God exist?" I'm gonna need tangible proof that either S/He does or not. And I have none.

Naturally, my first reaction is to not believe. But then I'm from a family of staunch religionists  and so have been churchified for 17 years. That refuses to be discounted, so I find that I neither affirm nor deny the existence of God.

I'm trying to word this in such a way that I don't blaspheme. Theophobia and all...

But yeah. A few years ago, there was this rumor spread around my friends that "Fuck, she nuh believe inna God, dawg!" and of course the ostracism began to pile up. [See? Brainwashing.] It took months for me to convince them that "I don't not believe. I also don't believe." which, to this day, earns me strange looks.

Combating brainwashing is hard. Just so you know.

But I don't care. I must be me at all costs.

I once called myself an agnostic, and I guess in a way I am, but I've realized that I don't fit into any one clear-cut category belief-wise.

There's rules and exceptions in everything, and if you're the rule and I'm the exception then... suh life guh. C'est la vie.

Except I hate having unanswered questions, especially one like this, because it has me living in a vacuum, and c'est most definitely cannot be la vie ('scuse the mangled French) because Nature itself abhors a vaccum, which has  been proved.
Life most definitely cannot guh suh.

Challenge completed.

Going against the grain of grains,

-me.