Year-end Posts, Part II: Dreams for 2016

I write this in the final hour of 2015, when I'm the only one awake in this house and the cicadas are outside keeping me company.
I'm gonna do this in the form of a letter to my future self, and this time next year I'll read it.
Here goes.

Dear future me,
I write this to you in the hope that you'll be a better person than I. In the hope that you'll take each of the 366 days you are allotted and make something of them.

I'll be honest with you. 2015, I fucked up. I did some stupid shit. And you, in 2016, will probably also fuck up, and do even stupider shit. Which is fine. We live and we learn.

I dream of 2016 as a blank canvas. It's up to you to decide what type of artwork, what quality artwork, you will imprint on it. We mightn't be the greatest with pictures, but we can help ourselves with words.
I hope we can use our words to impact someone's life, if even minutely, this year.

Don't make the same mistakes I did. Make different ones. Listen to the people who genuinely care about you. Learn from other people's errors. A smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise man learns from those of others. Be wiser than I was.

I may have said this before in another way, but I'll say it again. 2015 wasn't lit until I decided to make it so. Make 2016 lit. In whatever way you feel comfortable.

Now. You'll be 18 for most of the year. Remember what happened to the birth giver at that age. DO NOT LET THAT REACH YOU. EVER. We too young for that.

Understand that people you came into 2016 with might not be the same persons you leave it with. Please just be OK with that. You will leave behind, and you will be left behind.

Most of all, my darling future me, upon whom all my dreams and hopes for this coming year lie, have fun. Loosen up a bit. Laugh more. Spend time with people who make you laugh. Stay out of this rut I was digging myself into.

It's your chance to shine now, and remember, I love who I hope you'll be.

-

Standing at the gate of the year, on the cusp of what I hope will be a good one, not just for me, but for all of you who have stuck with me the past nearly 2 years. I'm so excited.

It's 366 days, not to fix my mistakes, but to show what I've learned from them. Possibly make new ones and learn from those too. Meet new people, have new experiences.

Tonight is not a night for melancholic Reflections and downhearted musings. Tonight, goddammit, I will be happy.

-me.

Year-end Posts. Part I: Reflections on 2015

I had actually planned to do this on NYE. But idk how my head is gonna be set up next Thursday so I may as well do it now while I'm still OK.
Here goes....

2015, the year of fuck ups of the highest degree
I started 2015 as a 17-year-old, ready - I thought - and able - again, I thought - to fix the mistakes I made in 2014 and make all these positive changes to my life, excited to go off to university because Jesus knew I needed to escape the stifling atmosphere of my house.
I started as a happy - as happy as I could be, anyway - upper sixer, content to be with the squad under the gazebo, laughing and breaking rules and chatting about literally everything and nothing.
By February, I realized that maybe I should have prioritized a bit better and actually gone to some classes, done some more assignments, embraced my inner perfectionist which to this day I keep sedated, made an effort to get good grades in the 9 units of CAPE I was planning to sit in May/June.
March, I realized again.
April, I realized that, well, shit, these IAs were due three weeks ago. And, shit, I don't have enough time to study for these 18 exams.

Side note: these 9 units were an attempt to fix the 2014 fuck up and get a jump on 2015.

Did I learn? Nope. 

Results: failed one - thank Jah it was just the one, honestly - and clocked enough boundaries with the other 8 you'd think I was a master batsman.

I had to sit and endure my family's disappointment that I, the former speller, the girl who ranked nationally for subjects thrice previously, had devolved into this.

I had to acknowledge within myself that I really didn't deserve better, considering that I wasted the entire 2 years of sixth form.

Fast forward to August, when I had an emotional crisis of epic proportions. I was going off to university in a matter of days, and as much as I gave off the impression that I was raring to go, all I wanted was to huddle in a corner somewhere and watch the world pass me by.

Bear in mind that in the midst of all this, I was (still am) trying to fix the cracks in my psyche.

Fortunately, life started to look up after that.

I got to UWI in one piece, met a lot of people, learned a few things about myself and had quite a few new experiences. Duh, huh?

I turned 18 (at long last lol) and realized that what I couldn't bear at 17 is cheesecake now, and what I can't bear now will be cheesecake later.

2015 in a (rather large) nutshell. Cuz it's not like anything's gonna change between now and next Friday anyway.

#2015TaughtMe...

...that I make mistakes, and that's OK.

...that I outgrow people, and people outgrow me, and that's OK.

...that it's OK to be in a different headspace from everyone else.

...that it's OK to do what might be construed as different.

...that it's OK to move slowly.

...that I am young, and so am not expected to have all the answers.

...that whatever doesn't kill me serves to make me stronger.

...that being an adult is kinda hard.

...that people are gonna know me, and I need to learn to accept that.

...that in the end, I am still me.

#PeopleWhoMadeMy2015

In no particular order:

-The Cruff Creed: Syndicate - Excelsior, God of Chalk, Mixologist, Tech God, High Priest of Fuckery, Attitude Goddess and the Cocky Ninja.

-That one girl I've been friends with for 8 years, who lives 5 doors down from me, shares her condensed milk with me and lets me sleep on her bed sometimes.

-The Bajan girl who does my eyebrows and joins me in the occasional roast session and bitch hour.

-Jav, of course.

-Three people on my Twitter timeline with whom I am ever propagating Fuckery.

-Freshette Coco, who ensures that I am careful in all situations.

-The reason I smile every time I listen to Smoke+Mirrors.

-The reason I lose track of time whenever I'm under the bus stop.

Coming up: Part II: Dreams for 2016

Thank you, whoever "you" may be, for being with me on this blog as I ramble my way back to the light.

-me.

An Attempt to Clear My Mind, Part II

Hello...it's me..

Still not back to that place inside myself where I'm calm.
I am nowhere near calm.
I am about to crack.
Again.

I really can't bother putting that disclaimer on this again SOOOO just know that I apologize in advance for the rambling and whatever grammar errors and typos may pop up.

The best way for me to do this is just to write and write and write until I either run out of words - God knows that's happening more often than I need it to these days - or I say what I need to and feel empty and calm again.
Let's go.

So I like to rush, right, because I have literally zero patience. I don't have time to beat around the bush; if I want it I want it right the fuck now and I better get it.
I also am stubborn. As fuck.
 "SJ don't do this. It's not healthy for you and you're gonna end up regretting it."
Bitch please. I want to do it, so it's gonna get done, and I'll cross that bridge of regretting when I get there.

I'm there.
Should have listened to all of them. My mom, the lightskin, Jav...all of them.
Should have cut the losses I didn't have at the time and run far away into the sunlight without looking back.

But nope. I'm stubborn, so I rushed straight into the lion's den and was too stubborn to back the fuck out before I got bitten.
Look at me here now having to clean those wounds of mine and try to heal by my stubborn hasty ass little self.

[If you haven't figured it out yet I'm talking about Iceburg. Yes, dear readers, I got up the courage to break it off completely.]

You know when you first get into a relationship, how excited you are that hey, yes, I have a (wo)man now blah blah? That was me at 15. Now, at 18, I'm just looking back at that relatively carefree little idiot and wishing I could slap her senseless.

I don't remember if I've ever spoken in depth about how I met him. Can't bother to look now. So story time.
I didn't like him at first sight. I pride myself on being able to read people well, and upon seeing him my first thought was "This guy looks extremely full of himself and immature, but then somehow I sense all those insecurities underneath that exterior."

You would think that I took a big bloodclaat lesson from that and stayed far far away and continue to tentatively look the lightskin.
Ha.
"SJ, I think you should at least talk to him once, find out the type of person he is....he is kinda cute after all."
Faaaaacccccckkkkkk

Took the advice of my inner idiot. Couple of months later, there we were, in a "relationship". Looking back at it I can say that was where it started going downhill.

Sure, the first 3 months were great. As much as he was in college at the time (still is actually) he somehow took it upon himself to leave Kingston and come home to surprise me the weekend after I turned 16 - which I still think is real sweet.

After that? One big LOL.

He's played with my feelings enough since then to make me break a promise I made to myself ever since I hit 11 and started noticing boys as something other than friends or playtime buddies.
I bawled for this man on a regular basis.
I let him get to me.

I still actually do, although now it's not so much letting as him having my number (unknowingly, yes, but he still has it) and continuing to dial nonstop.

Let's skip over every single other thing for a bit cuz I'd like to actually come out of my feelings tonight instead of after I graduate.
Fast forward to last week.

After I broke it off - which was because I got bored and started doing things I really shouldn't have - I was happy as hell for a bit. "Fuck, I'm free!" and all, being mature enough to appreciate what that meant.

That was Friday afternoon.

Friday night I saw him again.
Straight back to square one.
Complete with butterflies in the stomach and feeling 15 (14+ actually) all over.
Spoke to him for a while, which was not as horrible as you might think, given how I'm rambling on now. Even hugged him (which I will never do again unless I feel like falling apart).

Went back to my room some hours later and bawled living tears.
RIP to lost love and such.

I'm not sure if it's fuckboy timing or what, but every day I wake up and say Yes, I am over him totally, I can now move on with my damn life
"Hey" or "Can I see you" or..even worse, a phone call.

NB: The phone calls I was smart enough to ignore cuz I knew I'd still be his little bitch and teleport to his room and regret it in the morning.

The sight of him now, sad to say because I do believe he's a good person, actually pisses me off now. So does the sound of his voice, the sight of his name in my phone, people asking if we're still together (No. No. Godfuckingdammit NO.)

Saw him today too, which was an extremely impulsive (read that as extremely stupid) decision, and now, here I am.

Left with all these emotions rolling around in my mind, unsure which compartment to file them away in, whether "Pure Regrets" or "Sadness for What Might Have Been" or even, Jesus, "Guilt".

When I can't rationalize my way out of things, I tend to avoid or ignore them.
Which means that for the next couple of days, weeks, (hopefully not) months, I'll be walking around with a fuck ton of confusion inside my brain. Which, as we all know, is never healthy.

I can say with all confidence, I will be doing something completely and utterly batshit insane, just to get my mind off this whole thing.

It's damn tragic to know that I'll be doing this, knowing that I'll regret it in the future, and still do it anyway. Not because YOLO but because I need to do something that silences all thoughts of this. Of him.

I'd say c'est tout now that I've finished this post, but this is most definitely not all.

-me.

An Attempt to Empty My Mind... Part I

Yes. I have resurfaced (however momentarily) from the mires of UWI life.

DISCLAIMER: the title of this blog contains the word "ramblings". These thoughts of mine are literally in no semblance of order, and as a symbol of this i shan't be proofreading a single thing.

So...after a semester here I've watched myself change. Sure, they say change is good and all but now it's still a bit difficult to look in the mirror and actually like what i see there.

There is usually some sort of smile on my face but God bless the one person who looks at me regularly and says "SJ you need to smile more...and i mean actually smile."

I'm usually around a lot of people these days. Stick around and I'm sure you'll learn how i hate being around people most of the time. How many of those i spend my days with notice? Probably just one.

Not that I'm seeking attention. I guess this is the side of me that kinda wishes i was still in high school where life was relatively easy and my friends were all in one place.

Lol. But... (and this is how i know I'm a contrary woman)

I like being in uni. I enjoy the freedom i have here to be myself. I like not having to explain myself. I like the people I've met here (s/o to the Creed)

Change of pace, change of mindset, expanding headspace. I learn to appreciate that you might be competition and not help. I tolerate things easier now.

Yes, on the inside I'm still that little brown girl who loves to listen to Imagine Dragons at 2am when everyone is asleep. I guess it's just that now I'll always be listening to Smoke + Mirrors with a smile on my face.

Still that little brown girl who likes hanging with one or two people, just discussing our dreams. Just that the one or two people aren't the same as before.

Still that little brown girl on the edge wondering if i should jump. Just that now my vision is a bit sharper and i can see part of the outcome.

That's what's important, isn't it? I'm still the little brown girl.

The Obligatory College Post

After about 2 months, here I am. This apologizing for not writing regularly is gonna get old really quick.

But 2 months ago, I wrote a post entitled "Terrified of life post-HS", wherein I expressed my terror of coming to university because I felt I was immature.

I'm not gonna say those fears I had were unfounded. It's just that between then and now, I have matured....somewhat.

What happened? I started university.

For the first time ever, I'm here on my own. No mom or grandma to do stuff for me while cussing me about my inherent laziness, and the customary "yuh soon gone pah yuh own, weh yah go do when wi nuh deh yah" diatribe.

What am I doing, now that I'm on my own?

First off, I've made new friends, seniors and otherwise, hallmates and otherwise. I've strengthened old friendships. I'm learning how to be a better friend, because we all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes.
 I've learned what it means to have guys left, right and center wanting to make me the latest in a long line of bedpost notches, and how to keep them at a safe distance. Safe, of course, meaning a distance where they don't see me anymore...
I've learned how to be responsible. If I don't cook, I don't eat. So I cook, or I buy food when I'm lazy or tired after a long day of classes.
I monitor my alcohol intake when I party. I know my limits. Three gives a nice buzz. Four puts me over the edge.
I have had to learn patience. Orientation taught me that much. I learned what it meant to look to the hills from whence cometh my help and say "Bridle my tongue, Lord" because it was either that or tell some of them some real rude words and end up jeopardizing my chances to live peacefully on hall. I learned how to survive on literally one hour of sleep and not collapse, or even look in any way unhealthy.
I have had to learn how to deal with loneliness. Mom isn't here, and even though we talk every day that's not the same as our Saturday conversations or when she'd come sit on my bed and we talk about life and love and everything in between.
I've learned how to stay afloat and visible in a sea of 100+ people in my lectures. It's not easy, but I'm doing it, because I can't afford to get lost in the shadows that is UWI.

I've learned how to coexist with different cultures, beliefs and sexualities. (Yes I have seen homosexuals AND bisexuals, and God knows it's difficult seeing a man and have to consider him competition and not potential X_X)

Basically, I'm an adult now. In more ways than one. And I like it.

-me,

Terrified of life post-HS

Don't get me wrong. My last exam is Friday , and I cannot wait for it to be done with. But....it's the afterward I have issues with. If you've been with me from the inception of this blog, you'll know that I'm 17.

There is a reason, as I have discovered, that disciplines such as medicine have an age limit. (Those of you who live in a cave 10,000 feet underground, you have to be an adult in the year you apply)
It's called maturity. Dunno what that is? Google it.

Maturity, which apparently I don't have enough of. Let's not go into details just now. I got an exam in half an hour. But yeah..... I'm not ready.

If you've been with me since the inception of this blog (thanks btw) you'll know that my eating and sleeping habits are essentially shit. Were it not for my dear mom most of the time, I'd probably be dead of exhaustion before I hit fourteen.

She won't be around me  all the time to "Jo eat/go bed nuh"
Which, unfortunately, means that I'll be losing quite some weight by December. And the bags around my eyes shall quadruple in size. Yay.

Aside from that, my decision making skills are shit. Case in point: Iceburg. Remember him? Exactly.

Emotionally....I'm just not as prepared for this as I thought. I am actually genuinely fucking scared.
Call it low self-esteem but.... Part of me wants to curl up under my bed with my books and cry.

-me.

I have exams less than a week from now.

Which is why you haven't really been seeing much activity on here since February. I'm sooo sorry guys. But ambition and all. 😉

I think for now I want to talk about how much I've (not) matured since starting sixth form.

I was fifteen, first of all, the reserved type. I was actually pretty clannish, come to think of it. No tact to speak of. Judgmental as hell....and coming from someone who purports to dislike being judged...
And I think I was pretty contrary and hypocritical. Stubborn too. Oh, the list could continue on forever.

Secondly, in terms of academia, I had this notion that heyy I made it to sixth form. I'm the shit. Blah bluh blah. 

I also was pretty sure what direction my life was supposed to take....that'll be funny later on.

Now I'm seventeen (and a half 😁😁😁) and...I was so stupid yo

I'm not saying I'm now omniscient since I'm almost out of sixth form. But I've learnt quite a lot. I learned what true humility is. (After unit 1 CAPE who wouldn't?) I learned what true friendship is. I learned how to not be a silly bitch and actually be friendly to people (Excelsior... 😄)

But I seem to have developed a sudden case of identity crisis and am unsure as to what the hell I want to do when I get to college. Oh well.

So I guess this is it. These days I'm forever tired. Just wanna curl up below a fan for a full year and read and listen to Imagine Dragons and Damien Rice and write.
But no pain no gain is what they always say.

Till June, guys. ✌👋

-me.

"Love is in the air, so I

.... I hold my breath till my face turns purple...." --Weezy

Yes, guys, it's almost Valentine's Day. The day we set aside to celebrate some form of love.

No I am not going to celebrate it myself. Why do that? (Besides the fact that I don't have a Valentine, haha)

But even though I'm not a big fan of stuff like that, I do like love songs.
Not the mushy crap either.

I like songs like Love the way You Lie, My Fault.... The different side to it, I guess?

Currently my favorite love song is Imagine Dragons' Bleeding Out. 
I was studying last night to their album (Night Visions, fam it's the best) and because my tablet is a gassy, it plays songs in alphabetical order and not according to track number. So after  America and Amsterdam there came into my ears this:

I'm bleeding out

So if the last thing that I do is bring you down

I'll bleed out for you

So i bare my skin and I count my sins

And I close my eyes and I take it in

Cuz I'm bleeding out

I'm bleeding out for you, for you ...

At some point I'll find you the link guys. But the song is a-may-zing

To be fully honest though it's not really a love song so much as it's a sad song... Not mutually exclusive as I'd once thought.

You tell me to hold on

Oh, you tell me to hold on

But innocence is gone

And what was right is wrong...

And because that song is music set to poetry, I got in the mood to write poems.

I hit up on the idea to write sort of a fanfic of 1000 Forms of Fear, because that album is also one of my favorites.

What I'm doing is I take the song apart and insert my own lines into it. I'm putting them on my other actual poetry blog so you can view whenever you feel like. Currently I'm at Eye of the Needle.

Anyway. I'm currently hungry as a dog, so I'm gonna sign off and scavenge for food from my mom.
Cheers.

me.

So, I saw this and said I haven’t done one in ages soooo here it is…some of them I don’t feel comfortable answering just like that so for like friends’ names I put things that only myself and some other friends would know. If the formatting comes out shittily, I apologize. Here we go.

1. Full Name: 

I did this already. But let's stick to SJ.

2. Zodiac Sign:

Scorpio

3. 3 Fears: 

Umm death, blindness and..........snakes? Yeah, I hate those.

4. 3 Things I love:

Books, music, art

5. 4 turns on: 

Haha they said "turns on".. Anyways, I’ve never really thought of this in detail. Can I get back to you on this one?

6. 4 turns off: 

This again? Obnoxious people?

7.My best friend : 

Well of course there's the Jav-elin...and the Indian gal

8. Sexual Orientation : 

Straight

9. My best first date: 

N/A, sadly

10. How tall am I : 

Better question would be how short I am. Answer: 5'2"

11. What do I miss: 

The days before puberty

12. What time was I born: 

According to my mom it was like 5 am or something

13. Favourite colour: 

Purple, blue, silver....some shades of red

14. Do I have a crush: 

But of course :3

15. Favourite quote: 

It's not just one, fam

16. Favourite place:

Wherever there's food, Wi-Fi, books.

17. Favourite food: 

Look for the post on that

18. Do I use sarcasm: 

Now why would I ever use that?

19. What am I listening to right now: 

The entire Night Visions album (by Imagine Dragons)

20. First thing I notice in new person:

Their teeth (don't judge me)

21. Shoe size: 

Son.....

22. Eye colour: 

Brown

23. Hair colour: 

Black (with some parts of brown that only God knows where those came from)

24. Favourite style of clothing: 

If it can cover my nether regions, it's good enough for me

25. Ever done a prank call?: 

Nah

26. What colour of underwear I’m wearing now?: 

Blue and grey

27. Meaning behind URL: 

I don’t actually know for sure, I’ll Google it now though….Uniform resource locater :D

28. Favourite movie: 

The Shawshank Redemption

29. Favourite song: 

Elastic Heart-Sia

30. Favourite band: 

Imagine Dragons!!!! and Pentatonix

31. How I feel right now: 

Needa pee, kinda hungry, BORED < which is why I'm doing this

32. Someone I love: 

My mama :)

33. My current relationship status: 

"Relationship" XD

34. My relationship with my parents: 

COMPLICATED

35. Favourite holiday: 

Christmas….is there any other?

36. Tattoos and piercing I have: 

NONE

37. Tattoos and piercing I want:

I’d get either a wrist tattoo or one of those going around your arm like Nicki Minaj’s or maybe a tramp stamp....and I'd pierce my ears...and my navel...probably my lip too

38. The reason I joined Tumblr: 

I’m gonna change this to Twitter cuz I forgot my Tumblr password….because a friend told me I should join and I haven’t left since

39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?: 

I find this question hilarious though

40. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?: 

I’ve gotten them once or twice

41. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: 

Yeah, on the cheek

42. When did I last hold hands?: 

Probably yesterday

43. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: 

Does this include the process of waking up cuz that takes me forever! Maybe around half an hour

44. Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? : 

You have not, and neither have I

45. Where am I right now?: 

School, in the computer lab

46. If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: 

The squad

47. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: 

Depends on my mood and the song to be honest

48. Do I live with my mom and dad?: 

Long story short, yeah

49. Am I excited for anything?: 

I’m actually excited to go to university

50. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: 

I’d like to believe I can tell Jav anything so yeah

51. How often do I wear a fake smile? : 

Every time I talk to someone I’m not very familiar or comfortable with, or I have to take a posing pic

52. When was the last time I hugged someone?: 

This morning

53. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: 

I’d have no problem

54. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: 

Probably

55. What is something I disliked about today?: 

The fact that I've nothing to do and half the squad isn't here

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth who would it be?: 

Probably Oprah in the hopes of her adopting me or giving me her fortune to inherit

57. What do I think about most?: 

People and their quirks, life

58. What’s my strangest talent?: 

I don’t even know, I can do this wiggling thing with each of my ears individually? And I can knot string with my tongue

59. Do I have any strange phobias?: 

Strange? No, I thinking hating snakes is a good phobia

60. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: 

This also depends on my mood but mostly behind it

61. What was the last lie I told?: 

"I'm doing OK at school" >__>

62. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Depends on the person. Video chatting online with a good internet connection!

63. Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: 

No, and probably just a little

64. Do I believe in magic?: 

*sings* in a young girl’s heart. Lol, but no

65. Do I believe in luck?: 

Ummmm I dunno? Yes? No?

66. What’s the weather like right now?: 

Oh, cuz I must turn around and look nuh true? Kmt

67. What was the last book I’ve read?: 

I read so much I'm amazed I can remember, but I'm reading the Private series by Kate Brian currently

68. Do I like the smell of gasoline?: 

I actually do

69. Do I have any nicknames?: 

Jo, SJ, Bookie (I HATE this), Jailbait, Post-Jailbait, Post-Post-Jailbait, Girl Formerly Known as Jailbait...shall I continue?

70. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: 

We talking physical injuries? Sprained my ankle in 4th grade

71. Do I spend money or save it?: 

Both

72. Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: 

No fam

73. Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: 

No fam

74. Favourite animal?: 

Cats

75. What was I doing last night at 12AM?: 

Sleeping, but only just

76. What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: 

The hell kinda question yah ax mi fam?

77. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: 

I’m not even sure, I’ll find out and come back and tell you

78. How can you win my heart?: 

Be you.

79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: 

"The road to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell" It's a quote from an ID song

80. What is my favourite word?: 

It long AF dawg. 45 letters

81. My top 5 blogs on tumblr?: 

Yeah, I really couldn't answer this

82. If the whole world were listening to me right now what would I say?: 

Advocate world peace, "let's all work together to end world hunger"

83. Do I have any relatives in jail?: 

Not that I know of

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is the power?: 

This question has been asked so many times and I still don’t have an answer for it.

85. What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: 

Now why would I tell you that when you could ask me and know I’m lying?

86. What is my current desktop picture?: 

One of me and my sister

87. Had sex? : 

I’m as a virginal as a brand new baby

88. Bought condoms?: 

Fi wah?

89. Gotten pregnant?: 

If I haven’t had sex how do you expect me to get pregnant (Don’t get technical on me)

90. Failed a class?: 

Classes

91. Kissed a boy?:

…

92. Kissed a girl?:

…

93. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:

...

94. Had job?: 

I’ve never gotten paid so I guess not

95. Left the house without my wallet?: 

Nah

96. Bullied someone on the internet?: 

Not to my knowledge

97. Had sex in public?: 

Please refer to #87

98. Played on a sports team?: 

Yeah

99. Smoked weed?: 

...

100. Did drugs?: 

Of course. I take painkillers and DPH and dem shit

101. Smoked cigarettes?: 

EW

102. Drank alcohol?: 

...

103. Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: 

I man is a good BBC CARNIVORE

104. Been overweight?: 

Yeah

105. Been underweight?: 

No sah

106. Been to a wedding?: 

Yup

107. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:

Do you mean 15 hours straight?

108. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: 

I don't watch TV

109. Been outside my home country?: 

I have

110. Gotten my heart broken?: 

Nope

111. Been to a professional sports game?: 

Nope

112. Broken a bone?: 

Nooo......I think

113. Cut myself?: 

Yeah

114. Been to prom?: 

We don’t have that here

115. Been in airplane?: 

Yup

116. Fly by helicopter?: 

Bucket list item #37

117. What concerts have I been to?: 

The ones in my head when I'm miming songs

118. Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:

Are we talking like woman crush Wednesday? If so then yeah, otherwise, no

119. Learned another language?: 

Two

120. Wore make-up?: 

Yup

121. Lost my virginity before I was 18?: 

Please refer to #87

122. Had oral sex?: 

Please refer to #87

123. Dyed my hair?: 

Sadly, no

124. Voted in a presidential election?: 

1. I'm 17. 2. We have a PM not a Prez

125. Rode in an ambulance?: 

Nope

126. Had a surgery?: 

Nope

127. Met someone famous?:

Lightning Bolt in 2nd form. I was so starstruck lol

128. Stalked someone on a social network?: 

Who hasn’t?

129. Peed outside?: 

I am from Jamaica bush so yeah

130. Been fishing?:

Not that bush

131. Helped with charity?:

No :c

132. Been rejected by a crush?: 

IDR

133. Broken a mirror?: 

No

134. What do I want for birthday?: 

Books, money, further loving :)

135. How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:

I don't even want kids fam

136. Was I named after anyone?:

IDK

137. Do I like my handwriting?: 

I've got so many though

138. What was my favourite toy as a child?: 

I did not have toys fam, I had books

139. Favourite TV Show?: 

Mi nuh watch TV bossy

140. Where do I want to live when older?: 

In a nice house that doesn’t have a mortgage, preferably in an exotic destination

141. Play any musical instrument?: 

Air guitar XD

142. One of my scars, how did I get it?: 

Beaten

143. Favourite pizza topping?:

Most of them make me sick so cheese

144. Am I afraid of the dark?: 

I like to say that it is representative of my soul so no

145. Am I afraid of heights?: 

No

146. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?: 

I don’t do anything, I’m an angel X""D

147. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:

Of course, I go to school and I’m a science student with teachers who don’t like giving marks

148. What I’m really bad at: 

School, and feelings

149. What my greatest achievements are: 

Lemme consider that and come back

150. The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: 

I’d rather not

151. What I’d do if I won in a lottery:

Mommy, grandparents well off

152. What do I like about myself: 

Look for the post

153. My closest Tumblr friend:

I’d change this to Twitter but I don’t even have an answer for that either

154. Something I fantasise about: 

Being famous



155. Any question you’d like: Did I answer all the questions truthfully?  

The ones I did answer, yes :D

The dictionary defines a masochist as one who enjoys pain, and

I'm starting to think I'm one of those people.

No, I'm not about to enter a BDSM relationship a la 50 Shades of Grey. I'm not into that particular kinky fuckery.

I'm talking about the Jordanian pilot ISIS incinerated like ever so much garbage.
Yes, I watched 3 videos wherein they beheaded journalists, and I barely managed to not bawl. The post is here still, I just can't bother linking to it right now. Sorry.

But I watched the one where they burnt the pilot alive.
And.....I had to bawl tears. If you've been with me on this blog from early, you'll have figured out that I don't cry much/easily. But this time? This time I couldn't not emote in some way.

For those of you who didn't see it or hear about it, because you live in a cave under the sea somewhere, allow me to summarize what happened.

• They beat him up, cuz he was "defiant"
• They doused him in gas
• They put him in a metal cage, about 8 feet by 6, and put kindling in there and gassed it too
• They put a rope leading to the cage and gassed that too
• They set the rope on fire. Which burned steadily until it reached the cage, then the inferno just....

Now, I went on Wikipedia (most unreliable source ever) this morning and researched how does burning alive kill you. It ain't quick, homey.

It pretty much kills you when it melts your internal organs.

How long does that take? A while.

I also read that Muslims don't burn their people. 

So to them who are calling them a Muslim militant group..... ya might wanna rethink that epithet, son.

And then, with my masochistic little self, I went  looking for their Twitter....thank God I didn't find it though >.<

Are they really human though? Can they really really be human and do something like that to their fellow human?

I can't say anything more.

If this is what humans are going to evolve (or really devolve) into, kill me from now. Just make it quick. One bullet between the eyes is good enough.

Highly disturbed,

-me.

20: Your best physical feature

Not the biggest fan of my "physique", but as expected there are always those guys who talk about the" strong body" (what?????) So... I should probably let them do this post but nah.....

Yeah. I don't really favor any part of my body, so what I'll do is name the important ones and then say why I like them. Vamanos.

The hair
You know those days when even when you feel like crap (like me right now, feeling sick as hell) but your hairdo is on fleek and people keep noticing? That's me today. Everyone is like, "SJ ya hair look nice yo!" And I'm here like...... "But I feel like shit dawg..."

The eyes
They're this nice shade of brown...a namesake told me it was chocolate brown. But I like them because they don't show much of what I'm thinking or my emotions. I wouldn't call them flat though. Said namesake said they're"fathomless ".

The nose
It's straight, and not too big. But I don't mind it at all, because I'm not all about that perfect button nose like the white people. It serves its purpose well enough.

The lips
Hahaaa I should let certain people do this one. Sometimes I like what comes out of them, in terms of words. My mommy tells me I have a nice smile. (Well a she a see it suh she can talk.)

The chest
Not too gigantic, but not nonexistent. Thank God for that. I'm a B cup I think, which is just fine by me. Like I said, I'm not like those white girls who want big everything or little everything. I believe in proportion. So if 5'2" me is a B cup, it fits me, and I'm OK with that.

The stomach
Not perfectly flat but not too big either. Holds a lot when it needs to :-)

The hips
Lawd I love these! They're wonderful. Lol they're like the only reason I look even remotely curvy, cuz their sheer disproportionality to my waist makes it look even smaller, hence my figure being named"the granny lampshade shape".

The behind
I hear it's huge. I wouldn't know, because as the name suggests it's behind me, and my neck isn't a swivel mechanism, so I can't see it. But certain young men of my acquaintance keep talking about"Jesus Christ SJ, that bumper though" so I figure something good be going on there, since I'm too lazy to get my ass in gear and do squats.

The legs
They also are lauded regularly. Again I go back to the white girls, who believe that the thighs must not touch. Now, I like thick thighs. I don't want to look like a stick figure. My thighs don't touch, but they're not, like, lone bones either.
To wax slightly philosophical here, I like my legs because they keep me from falling. Not only physically (I ain't clumsy) but emotionally. I feel like just collapsing into myself a lot of days, but I'll realize that hey, you're still standing. Your legs refuse to give way on you. Don't give way either. Might sound simple, but it's kept me going for a while.

The main parts are done. Let's get specific now.

The head
Houses my brain, which houses my mind, which enables me to do things like writing this blog :)
  Side note: this is why I love Jav. He knows me too well.

Yeah. Um what else....

The hands

They write. They compose. They draw. They're my outlet. (Honestly, sometimes they destroy but....I can't always internalize. Something's gotta give.)

The feet

Keep me walking even when I don't want to go on.

Yeah.

On a good day, I like to think of myself as a 7 out of 10. On a regular day? God, I dunno. I'll let the guys who I'm around daily decide.

Challenge completed.

Sick-ly,

-me.

09: Your 5 favorite blogs

So hello there, all my probably non-existent fans but I like to pretend you exist.

As I write this I've been suffering from eye pain all day, and I've been staring at this computer for the past, what, 2 hours or so. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

Anyway. My 5 favorite blogs (not in order, mind you) are as follows:

1. tussah and the wolf
This blog is written by a (I daresay) friend of mine. I don't think she really wants me to name her soooooo..... But yeah. She's a music freak. I mean, really. Freakishly musical. I've listened to some of her pieces and, fack, but the woman is good. 
Her blog is of such that I'm now inspired to, like, do literary commentary (yes, I read the posts about Shakespeare and Wagner) and, like, release my inner bitch onto my poor readers.

2. A Sinner's Advice
OK so I just found this blog over the Christmas crack (it wasn't a break) and, well.......this guy is good. He's a musician as well, but he's more the, oh I dunno, release-a-mixtape-be-famous-underground type.
Trust me, I learn from this guy. It's always interesting to delve into the mind of a man and find out what goes on in there.

3. mandevillegirl's blog
I found out about it by accident, which meant that she really doesn't want anyone to know about it. But oh well.
She's like me, except I don't know that much about her, so I'm just assuming stuff based on her posts. (I dare not link to her blog else she come fight me or something.)

4. Excelsior's prose blog
This guy is an amazing writer. Better than me, that's for certain.

5. Excelsior's poetry blog
See above.
(Like me, he has 2 blogs. But me being me, the extra little bee-yotch I am, I have 3 blogs now.)

Challenge completed. I've lost count of how many I've done so far, dammit. Maybe I should have done this in order. Ahhh well.

-me.

18: Your highs and lows of this past year

This one is particularly relevant, considering this is a new year in which to do dumb shit.

So. I had my highs and lows, some higher than some, some lower.

I think my highs were clustered around the time of my birthday to be honest (Jav of course knows why).

There was turning 17. Seriously. I was getting sick of being 16! There was reading so many new books (my lifetime count must be in the 6-digit range by now), rereading my old favorites, like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, finally reaching my 7th year of high school-- seems like so long ago I was 10 and anxious about high school-- new music, new friends, evolution of friendships/relationships, me maturing.....quite a few things.

There was also losing friends, those abysmal things called my Unit 1 CAPE grades, my inner turmoil that sometimes threatened to pull me under, fallings-out with people I cared about.

2014 was, generally speaking, a bitch.
Here's hoping 2015 will be a bit better, especially considering I've got all of 9 bloodclaat subjects to sit in CAPE.....

Think I need to rethink my place in life before February comes in, at least attempt to buckle down and finish those outstanding labs I have.

-me.

So it's a new year, and the "new year new me" frenzy is waning slightly,

but I'm still the same old me that I was in 2014. Probably all 2013 too.
Apologies for skipping the Christmas and year-end posts but I've been busy and well.....


Anyway. Woke up this Morning to Excelsior's latest blogpost: A Tale of an Appropriate Misnomer. Let's see if I can reproduce the paragraph about me:

Next was a certain kohai, -kohai, as you may or may not know is a japanese honorific which refers to anyone at a lower stage in an establishment, the opposite, then of the more popular -sempai honorific, basically, in this case, it meant underclassman. AKA a certain former jailbait in another post, so named because she had come to sixth form before the age of consent (which is 16 in Jamaica). This girl was the friend I needed in Upper Six, even though the was a Lower Sixer. The little enjoyment I got from my last year at that freaking school was because of her, and I'm eternally grateful. Eternally. Another awesome individual...

Yeah. I did, in fact, start Chesta at 15. The number of jokes that were made because of that though.........

TBH these kid jokes get to 17-year-old me sometimes but bleh.

Anyway. he says I'm the friend he needed in upper sixth, even though I was the kohai to his sempai, for which he is "eternally grateful. Eternally."

Friendship is as friendship does. If I helped make his last year of Chesta bearable, well..he was my lower sixth year.

He made Carib "class" bearable. and believe me when I say he did the impossible. The words "Carib" and "bearable" don't belong in the same sentence unless there's a "not" separating them.

even his laptop, his very laptop, was a better friend to me than quite a few of these humans I hang with. I wonder if it still remembers my FB and Twitter passwords......

But I mean, really. I think if you want a certain type of friend, you should first be that type of friend to others. That's basically all I did with Excelsior. I wanted a fun, chill, yet serious friend, someone I could have an intelligent conversation with, express feelings when needs be, goof off with as necessary (I think my selfies are still on his laptop) and of course skip class with.......so I became that for him.
Yes, I believe in being "all things to all men." I do adhere to some Biblical tenets.

Ayy now I've figured out where this post is going. I'll be rambling on and on and on about my favorite people and why they're my favorite people. Here goes.

My Favorite People in the Whole Wide World (excuse me while I indulge my inner 10-year-old)

Jav-- He is my best friend. Like, BEST BEST friend. I flirt with Jav, run joke wid Jav, (figuratively) bawl on his shoulder, vent/rant to him, have some wickedly feelings-esque conversations with him, stay up late just to talk to him, go on FB/WhatsApp as soon as I'm up just to hail him, et cetera. Almost every screenshotted (screenshot?) convo I have involves us running some wicked funny joke. I can't even keep the FB convos cuz God knows....... He's one of my favorite people because I couldn't have found a better friend if I'd looked. 

You's my MVP hun ^.^

JL-- This yute that attends my church (or I attend his church since he's been there longer). He is adorable!!!! (He may not know it's him so... I'm talking about you, my Big-Head Lightskin XD)

We run joke, talk school stuff, hug.........

This 6-foot-whatever guy and 5-foot-2 me (plus 4/5 inches in heels, God bless them) are forever hugging. He's my favorite hug buddy. No, seriously. His hugs are worth my hunting him down every Sunday just for the hug and lift-up-and-squeeze-and-spin. Believe me. They are.
He's one of my favorite people because: 1. hugs, 2. good listener, 3. baaaaaaaaaaaay joke when we text.
Love you lots and lots, my Big Head Lightskin :*

Excelsior-- 
Crackers lover.
Pun lover.
 his nickname on this blog is actually based on his Twitter handle, his love of crackers, the name of one of his blogs, and the Latin meaning.
Great taste in music.
Great taste in books.
Overall great person.
  A we seh #FuckCarib, always and forever!

A certain smartguy (new character, we've been friends for like 11 or 12 years)-- You can never be around this guy and not be DWLing (or DingWL if you want to be a grammar Nazi). He's one of the main reasons I attend Physics and Math class.
 #Squad #FightingSpirit #HotNigga #TooSexyForThisShit

Iceburg-- In some ways he's my direct opposite (tall black yute as opposed to short brown girl, for starters), but in many ways we're alike. Chat NUFF but fun. Chill as hell (haha oxymoron)

Mrs B(io teacher)-- my big sis, my she-Jav, she's just chill. I fail her subject like mad though.

Indian gal (other new character, my best female friend)-- mad rass! Most of my screenshots go to her for the extra DWRCL factor. Like that last one.....hi-la-rious.

If any of you guys want to carry feelings that this list is in order and you mightn't be at the top, tough shit. Be grateful you're even on the list at all. Cho.

But I love all y'all though :)
Because I am well aware of the fact that

But still.

You guys are, and always will be, my MVPs.

Currently sleepy as hell,

-me.