Year-end Posts, Part II: Dreams for 2016

I write this in the final hour of 2015, when I'm the only one awake in this house and the cicadas are outside keeping me company.
I'm gonna do this in the form of a letter to my future self, and this time next year I'll read it.
Here goes.

Dear future me,
I write this to you in the hope that you'll be a better person than I. In the hope that you'll take each of the 366 days you are allotted and make something of them.

I'll be honest with you. 2015, I fucked up. I did some stupid shit. And you, in 2016, will probably also fuck up, and do even stupider shit. Which is fine. We live and we learn.

I dream of 2016 as a blank canvas. It's up to you to decide what type of artwork, what quality artwork, you will imprint on it. We mightn't be the greatest with pictures, but we can help ourselves with words.
I hope we can use our words to impact someone's life, if even minutely, this year.

Don't make the same mistakes I did. Make different ones. Listen to the people who genuinely care about you. Learn from other people's errors. A smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise man learns from those of others. Be wiser than I was.

I may have said this before in another way, but I'll say it again. 2015 wasn't lit until I decided to make it so. Make 2016 lit. In whatever way you feel comfortable.

Now. You'll be 18 for most of the year. Remember what happened to the birth giver at that age. DO NOT LET THAT REACH YOU. EVER. We too young for that.

Understand that people you came into 2016 with might not be the same persons you leave it with. Please just be OK with that. You will leave behind, and you will be left behind.

Most of all, my darling future me, upon whom all my dreams and hopes for this coming year lie, have fun. Loosen up a bit. Laugh more. Spend time with people who make you laugh. Stay out of this rut I was digging myself into.

It's your chance to shine now, and remember, I love who I hope you'll be.

-

Standing at the gate of the year, on the cusp of what I hope will be a good one, not just for me, but for all of you who have stuck with me the past nearly 2 years. I'm so excited.

It's 366 days, not to fix my mistakes, but to show what I've learned from them. Possibly make new ones and learn from those too. Meet new people, have new experiences.

Tonight is not a night for melancholic Reflections and downhearted musings. Tonight, goddammit, I will be happy.

-me.

Year-end Posts. Part I: Reflections on 2015

I had actually planned to do this on NYE. But idk how my head is gonna be set up next Thursday so I may as well do it now while I'm still OK.
Here goes....

2015, the year of fuck ups of the highest degree
I started 2015 as a 17-year-old, ready - I thought - and able - again, I thought - to fix the mistakes I made in 2014 and make all these positive changes to my life, excited to go off to university because Jesus knew I needed to escape the stifling atmosphere of my house.
I started as a happy - as happy as I could be, anyway - upper sixer, content to be with the squad under the gazebo, laughing and breaking rules and chatting about literally everything and nothing.
By February, I realized that maybe I should have prioritized a bit better and actually gone to some classes, done some more assignments, embraced my inner perfectionist which to this day I keep sedated, made an effort to get good grades in the 9 units of CAPE I was planning to sit in May/June.
March, I realized again.
April, I realized that, well, shit, these IAs were due three weeks ago. And, shit, I don't have enough time to study for these 18 exams.

Side note: these 9 units were an attempt to fix the 2014 fuck up and get a jump on 2015.

Did I learn? Nope. 

Results: failed one - thank Jah it was just the one, honestly - and clocked enough boundaries with the other 8 you'd think I was a master batsman.

I had to sit and endure my family's disappointment that I, the former speller, the girl who ranked nationally for subjects thrice previously, had devolved into this.

I had to acknowledge within myself that I really didn't deserve better, considering that I wasted the entire 2 years of sixth form.

Fast forward to August, when I had an emotional crisis of epic proportions. I was going off to university in a matter of days, and as much as I gave off the impression that I was raring to go, all I wanted was to huddle in a corner somewhere and watch the world pass me by.

Bear in mind that in the midst of all this, I was (still am) trying to fix the cracks in my psyche.

Fortunately, life started to look up after that.

I got to UWI in one piece, met a lot of people, learned a few things about myself and had quite a few new experiences. Duh, huh?

I turned 18 (at long last lol) and realized that what I couldn't bear at 17 is cheesecake now, and what I can't bear now will be cheesecake later.

2015 in a (rather large) nutshell. Cuz it's not like anything's gonna change between now and next Friday anyway.

#2015TaughtMe...

...that I make mistakes, and that's OK.

...that I outgrow people, and people outgrow me, and that's OK.

...that it's OK to be in a different headspace from everyone else.

...that it's OK to do what might be construed as different.

...that it's OK to move slowly.

...that I am young, and so am not expected to have all the answers.

...that whatever doesn't kill me serves to make me stronger.

...that being an adult is kinda hard.

...that people are gonna know me, and I need to learn to accept that.

...that in the end, I am still me.

#PeopleWhoMadeMy2015

In no particular order:

-The Cruff Creed: Syndicate - Excelsior, God of Chalk, Mixologist, Tech God, High Priest of Fuckery, Attitude Goddess and the Cocky Ninja.

-That one girl I've been friends with for 8 years, who lives 5 doors down from me, shares her condensed milk with me and lets me sleep on her bed sometimes.

-The Bajan girl who does my eyebrows and joins me in the occasional roast session and bitch hour.

-Jav, of course.

-Three people on my Twitter timeline with whom I am ever propagating Fuckery.

-Freshette Coco, who ensures that I am careful in all situations.

-The reason I smile every time I listen to Smoke+Mirrors.

-The reason I lose track of time whenever I'm under the bus stop.

Coming up: Part II: Dreams for 2016

Thank you, whoever "you" may be, for being with me on this blog as I ramble my way back to the light.

-me.

An Attempt to Clear My Mind, Part II

Hello...it's me..

Still not back to that place inside myself where I'm calm.
I am nowhere near calm.
I am about to crack.
Again.

I really can't bother putting that disclaimer on this again SOOOO just know that I apologize in advance for the rambling and whatever grammar errors and typos may pop up.

The best way for me to do this is just to write and write and write until I either run out of words - God knows that's happening more often than I need it to these days - or I say what I need to and feel empty and calm again.
Let's go.

So I like to rush, right, because I have literally zero patience. I don't have time to beat around the bush; if I want it I want it right the fuck now and I better get it.
I also am stubborn. As fuck.
 "SJ don't do this. It's not healthy for you and you're gonna end up regretting it."
Bitch please. I want to do it, so it's gonna get done, and I'll cross that bridge of regretting when I get there.

I'm there.
Should have listened to all of them. My mom, the lightskin, Jav...all of them.
Should have cut the losses I didn't have at the time and run far away into the sunlight without looking back.

But nope. I'm stubborn, so I rushed straight into the lion's den and was too stubborn to back the fuck out before I got bitten.
Look at me here now having to clean those wounds of mine and try to heal by my stubborn hasty ass little self.

[If you haven't figured it out yet I'm talking about Iceburg. Yes, dear readers, I got up the courage to break it off completely.]

You know when you first get into a relationship, how excited you are that hey, yes, I have a (wo)man now blah blah? That was me at 15. Now, at 18, I'm just looking back at that relatively carefree little idiot and wishing I could slap her senseless.

I don't remember if I've ever spoken in depth about how I met him. Can't bother to look now. So story time.
I didn't like him at first sight. I pride myself on being able to read people well, and upon seeing him my first thought was "This guy looks extremely full of himself and immature, but then somehow I sense all those insecurities underneath that exterior."

You would think that I took a big bloodclaat lesson from that and stayed far far away and continue to tentatively look the lightskin.
Ha.
"SJ, I think you should at least talk to him once, find out the type of person he is....he is kinda cute after all."
Faaaaacccccckkkkkk

Took the advice of my inner idiot. Couple of months later, there we were, in a "relationship". Looking back at it I can say that was where it started going downhill.

Sure, the first 3 months were great. As much as he was in college at the time (still is actually) he somehow took it upon himself to leave Kingston and come home to surprise me the weekend after I turned 16 - which I still think is real sweet.

After that? One big LOL.

He's played with my feelings enough since then to make me break a promise I made to myself ever since I hit 11 and started noticing boys as something other than friends or playtime buddies.
I bawled for this man on a regular basis.
I let him get to me.

I still actually do, although now it's not so much letting as him having my number (unknowingly, yes, but he still has it) and continuing to dial nonstop.

Let's skip over every single other thing for a bit cuz I'd like to actually come out of my feelings tonight instead of after I graduate.
Fast forward to last week.

After I broke it off - which was because I got bored and started doing things I really shouldn't have - I was happy as hell for a bit. "Fuck, I'm free!" and all, being mature enough to appreciate what that meant.

That was Friday afternoon.

Friday night I saw him again.
Straight back to square one.
Complete with butterflies in the stomach and feeling 15 (14+ actually) all over.
Spoke to him for a while, which was not as horrible as you might think, given how I'm rambling on now. Even hugged him (which I will never do again unless I feel like falling apart).

Went back to my room some hours later and bawled living tears.
RIP to lost love and such.

I'm not sure if it's fuckboy timing or what, but every day I wake up and say Yes, I am over him totally, I can now move on with my damn life
"Hey" or "Can I see you" or..even worse, a phone call.

NB: The phone calls I was smart enough to ignore cuz I knew I'd still be his little bitch and teleport to his room and regret it in the morning.

The sight of him now, sad to say because I do believe he's a good person, actually pisses me off now. So does the sound of his voice, the sight of his name in my phone, people asking if we're still together (No. No. Godfuckingdammit NO.)

Saw him today too, which was an extremely impulsive (read that as extremely stupid) decision, and now, here I am.

Left with all these emotions rolling around in my mind, unsure which compartment to file them away in, whether "Pure Regrets" or "Sadness for What Might Have Been" or even, Jesus, "Guilt".

When I can't rationalize my way out of things, I tend to avoid or ignore them.
Which means that for the next couple of days, weeks, (hopefully not) months, I'll be walking around with a fuck ton of confusion inside my brain. Which, as we all know, is never healthy.

I can say with all confidence, I will be doing something completely and utterly batshit insane, just to get my mind off this whole thing.

It's damn tragic to know that I'll be doing this, knowing that I'll regret it in the future, and still do it anyway. Not because YOLO but because I need to do something that silences all thoughts of this. Of him.

I'd say c'est tout now that I've finished this post, but this is most definitely not all.

-me.

An Attempt to Empty My Mind... Part I

Yes. I have resurfaced (however momentarily) from the mires of UWI life.

DISCLAIMER: the title of this blog contains the word "ramblings". These thoughts of mine are literally in no semblance of order, and as a symbol of this i shan't be proofreading a single thing.

So...after a semester here I've watched myself change. Sure, they say change is good and all but now it's still a bit difficult to look in the mirror and actually like what i see there.

There is usually some sort of smile on my face but God bless the one person who looks at me regularly and says "SJ you need to smile more...and i mean actually smile."

I'm usually around a lot of people these days. Stick around and I'm sure you'll learn how i hate being around people most of the time. How many of those i spend my days with notice? Probably just one.

Not that I'm seeking attention. I guess this is the side of me that kinda wishes i was still in high school where life was relatively easy and my friends were all in one place.

Lol. But... (and this is how i know I'm a contrary woman)

I like being in uni. I enjoy the freedom i have here to be myself. I like not having to explain myself. I like the people I've met here (s/o to the Creed)

Change of pace, change of mindset, expanding headspace. I learn to appreciate that you might be competition and not help. I tolerate things easier now.

Yes, on the inside I'm still that little brown girl who loves to listen to Imagine Dragons at 2am when everyone is asleep. I guess it's just that now I'll always be listening to Smoke + Mirrors with a smile on my face.

Still that little brown girl who likes hanging with one or two people, just discussing our dreams. Just that the one or two people aren't the same as before.

Still that little brown girl on the edge wondering if i should jump. Just that now my vision is a bit sharper and i can see part of the outcome.

That's what's important, isn't it? I'm still the little brown girl.