Still not back to that place inside myself where I'm calm.
I am nowhere near calm.
I am about to crack.
Again.
I really can't bother putting that disclaimer on this again SOOOO just know that I apologize in advance for the rambling and whatever grammar errors and typos may pop up.
The best way for me to do this is just to write and write and write until I either run out of words - God knows that's happening more often than I need it to these days - or I say what I need to and feel empty and calm again.
Let's go.
So I like to rush, right, because I have literally zero patience. I don't have time to beat around the bush; if I want it I want it right the fuck now and I better get it.
I also am stubborn. As fuck.
"SJ don't do this. It's not healthy for you and you're gonna end up regretting it."
Bitch please. I want to do it, so it's gonna get done, and I'll cross that bridge of regretting when I get there.
I'm there.
Should have listened to all of them. My mom, the lightskin, Jav...all of them.
Should have cut the losses I didn't have at the time and run far away into the sunlight without looking back.
But nope. I'm stubborn, so I rushed straight into the lion's den and was too stubborn to back the fuck out before I got bitten.
Look at me here now having to clean those wounds of mine and try to heal by my stubborn hasty ass little self.
[If you haven't figured it out yet I'm talking about Iceburg. Yes, dear readers, I got up the courage to break it off completely.]
You know when you first get into a relationship, how excited you are that hey, yes, I have a (wo)man now blah blah? That was me at 15. Now, at 18, I'm just looking back at that relatively carefree little idiot and wishing I could slap her senseless.
I don't remember if I've ever spoken in depth about how I met him. Can't bother to look now. So story time.
I didn't like him at first sight. I pride myself on being able to read people well, and upon seeing him my first thought was "This guy looks extremely full of himself and immature, but then somehow I sense all those insecurities underneath that exterior."
You would think that I took a big bloodclaat lesson from that and stayed far far away and continue to tentatively look the lightskin.
Ha.
"SJ, I think you should at least talk to him once, find out the type of person he is....he is kinda cute after all."
Faaaaacccccckkkkkk
Took the advice of my inner idiot. Couple of months later, there we were, in a "relationship". Looking back at it I can say that was where it started going downhill.
Sure, the first 3 months were great. As much as he was in college at the time (still is actually) he somehow took it upon himself to leave Kingston and come home to surprise me the weekend after I turned 16 - which I still think is real sweet.
After that? One big LOL.
He's played with my feelings enough since then to make me break a promise I made to myself ever since I hit 11 and started noticing boys as something other than friends or playtime buddies.
I bawled for this man on a regular basis.
I let him get to me.
I still actually do, although now it's not so much letting as him having my number (unknowingly, yes, but he still has it) and continuing to dial nonstop.
Let's skip over every single other thing for a bit cuz I'd like to actually come out of my feelings tonight instead of after I graduate.
Fast forward to last week.
After I broke it off - which was because I got bored and started doing things I really shouldn't have - I was happy as hell for a bit. "Fuck, I'm free!" and all, being mature enough to appreciate what that meant.
That was Friday afternoon.
Friday night I saw him again.
Straight back to square one.
Complete with butterflies in the stomach and feeling 15 (14+ actually) all over.
Spoke to him for a while, which was not as horrible as you might think, given how I'm rambling on now. Even hugged him (which I will never do again unless I feel like falling apart).
Went back to my room some hours later and bawled living tears.
RIP to lost love and such.
I'm not sure if it's fuckboy timing or what, but every day I wake up and say Yes, I am over him totally, I can now move on with my damn life
"Hey" or "Can I see you" or..even worse, a phone call.
NB: The phone calls I was smart enough to ignore cuz I knew I'd still be his little bitch and teleport to his room and regret it in the morning.
The sight of him now, sad to say because I do believe he's a good person, actually pisses me off now. So does the sound of his voice, the sight of his name in my phone, people asking if we're still together (No. No. Godfuckingdammit NO.)
Saw him today too, which was an extremely impulsive (read that as extremely stupid) decision, and now, here I am.
Left with all these emotions rolling around in my mind, unsure which compartment to file them away in, whether "Pure Regrets" or "Sadness for What Might Have Been" or even, Jesus, "Guilt".
When I can't rationalize my way out of things, I tend to avoid or ignore them.
Which means that for the next couple of days, weeks, (hopefully not) months, I'll be walking around with a fuck ton of confusion inside my brain. Which, as we all know, is never healthy.
I can say with all confidence, I will be doing something completely and utterly batshit insane, just to get my mind off this whole thing.
It's damn tragic to know that I'll be doing this, knowing that I'll regret it in the future, and still do it anyway. Not because YOLO but because I need to do something that silences all thoughts of this. Of him.
I'd say c'est tout now that I've finished this post, but this is most definitely not all.
-me.
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