Here goes....
2015, the year of fuck ups of the highest degree
I started 2015 as a 17-year-old, ready - I thought - and able - again, I thought - to fix the mistakes I made in 2014 and make all these positive changes to my life, excited to go off to university because Jesus knew I needed to escape the stifling atmosphere of my house.
I started as a happy - as happy as I could be, anyway - upper sixer, content to be with the squad under the gazebo, laughing and breaking rules and chatting about literally everything and nothing.
By February, I realized that maybe I should have prioritized a bit better and actually gone to some classes, done some more assignments, embraced my inner perfectionist which to this day I keep sedated, made an effort to get good grades in the 9 units of CAPE I was planning to sit in May/June.
March, I realized again.
April, I realized that, well, shit, these IAs were due three weeks ago. And, shit, I don't have enough time to study for these 18 exams.
Side note: these 9 units were an attempt to fix the 2014 fuck up and get a jump on 2015.
Did I learn? Nope.
Results: failed one - thank Jah it was just the one, honestly - and clocked enough boundaries with the other 8 you'd think I was a master batsman.
I had to sit and endure my family's disappointment that I, the former speller, the girl who ranked nationally for subjects thrice previously, had devolved into this.
I had to acknowledge within myself that I really didn't deserve better, considering that I wasted the entire 2 years of sixth form.
Fast forward to August, when I had an emotional crisis of epic proportions. I was going off to university in a matter of days, and as much as I gave off the impression that I was raring to go, all I wanted was to huddle in a corner somewhere and watch the world pass me by.
Bear in mind that in the midst of all this, I was (still am) trying to fix the cracks in my psyche.
Fortunately, life started to look up after that.
I got to UWI in one piece, met a lot of people, learned a few things about myself and had quite a few new experiences. Duh, huh?
I turned 18 (at long last lol) and realized that what I couldn't bear at 17 is cheesecake now, and what I can't bear now will be cheesecake later.
2015 in a (rather large) nutshell. Cuz it's not like anything's gonna change between now and next Friday anyway.
#2015TaughtMe...
...that I make mistakes, and that's OK.
...that I outgrow people, and people outgrow me, and that's OK.
...that it's OK to be in a different headspace from everyone else.
...that it's OK to do what might be construed as different.
...that it's OK to move slowly.
...that I am young, and so am not expected to have all the answers.
...that whatever doesn't kill me serves to make me stronger.
...that being an adult is kinda hard.
...that people are gonna know me, and I need to learn to accept that.
...that in the end, I am still me.
#PeopleWhoMadeMy2015
In no particular order:
-The Cruff Creed: Syndicate - Excelsior, God of Chalk, Mixologist, Tech God, High Priest of Fuckery, Attitude Goddess and the Cocky Ninja.
-That one girl I've been friends with for 8 years, who lives 5 doors down from me, shares her condensed milk with me and lets me sleep on her bed sometimes.
-The Bajan girl who does my eyebrows and joins me in the occasional roast session and bitch hour.
-Jav, of course.
-Three people on my Twitter timeline with whom I am ever propagating Fuckery.
-Freshette Coco, who ensures that I am careful in all situations.
-The reason I smile every time I listen to Smoke+Mirrors.
-The reason I lose track of time whenever I'm under the bus stop.
Coming up: Part II: Dreams for 2016
Thank you, whoever "you" may be, for being with me on this blog as I ramble my way back to the light.
-me.
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