Ophiophobia and why I'm Ophiophobic: A Harangue against Serpents

Ophiophobia: The inexplicable fear or terror of snakes.

On second thought.....maybe I'm not ophiophobic; I can explain with perfect clarity why I'm terrified of snakes.

They're disgusting, creepy and poisonous. I don't care if they don't spew venom into my veins. They can cause my painful, slow, agonizing death. Therefore they are poisonous. If I may borrow a quote from Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: 

She despised snakes, be the breed what they might....

He may have been describing Tom's Aunt Sally, but he sure as hell could be describing me right there.

I don't care if they're garden snakes, boa constrictors or mambas. They can all kill me.

Garden snakes, if/when I see them, can cause me to run screaming for my life. While running, I might fall into an open sewer (even though there are none I know of nearby) and die. Or I may fly across the road and have a car hit me down and I die in great agony. That's why they're poisonous to me.

Boa constrictors basically hug me to death. Now, I like love hugs, but not from, y'know, animals like those. I mean, come on. Squeezing my insides out through my mouth? I think that's one of the more disturbing ways to go, and when I go (at the ripe old age of 105) I'm going out with a bang, not an "OOOWWWWWWWWW JEEZAS CHRIS' NUH MEK MI DEAD SUH". You get me?

And mambas.....if my memory serves me right (as it usually does when it comes to academia and trivia) they're the most venomous snakes ever. Need I say more?

The very thought of snakes is enough to fill mine and Excelsior's swear jars if we had any (I type as I sit here mumbling swear words to myself). They're just really.........serpentine and..... EW. Ugh. [insert bitchy behavior here]

If I had my way, they'd all be extinct (Haha, was gonna type instinct). I do not give a rat's ass whether or not they serve a purpose in the global ecosystem. DEM FI [badword badword] DEAD.

Why did Noah allow them to slither into the Ark? (For those of us who say we're Christians).

Them and mosquitoes, but that's a harangue for another day. Maybe tomorrow (I type as I wonder why Noah didn't just swat them).

I leave you with this, my personal idea of Hell.

Shuddering and still ophiophobic,

@Jaye_Eccentriq