What-ifs and Futility: Why do I even waste my time?

So it's the last day of March.......the day before April.
And.......it just occurred to me how much different my life could have been had I made other decisions.

For example: My current best friend. Let's call him......Mario. Like the video game character. He'll get it and he'll laugh, never fear.
So we have been friends for circa 2 years now, through thick and thin, including a very serious thin that involved my parents and us being scared shitless to link each other for about 2 months....it's hilarious.
But it came out in a conversation we had recently that, a year into the friendship, we had a serious mutual crush. Then it just died out because, on his part, he was SCARED. TO. DEATH. Of my father. And he had a girlfriend so...that was that.

But I got to thinking, what if I at least had womanned up, put my big-girl push-up bra on, and said to him "Hey Mario, you know I really like you though..."?
Chances are he would have responded to the tune of "I like you too" a relationship would have happened (regardless of the fact that he says now that I would have gotten some serious bun-- translation: some serious cheating would have taken place) and I'd have been a lot happier in that one than I am in my current (yeah, yeah, Iceburg isn't gonna see this, hopefully), would have been in a waaaaaayyyyyyyyy longer one (year plus as opposed to five months and counting) and......I'd just have been happier overall, because, come on. Your best friend being your boyfriend? Sheer bliss.

I brought up the whole scene of how we became friends and remained friends, asking a load of what-ifs. His response:
I don't think it matters. The fact is we're friends and that's what matters.
It's obvious that he's not a what-if kind of guy.
One of MANY, many reasons I love him, but that's a post for another time.




The other decision I wonder at sometimes.....deciding to go to the school I'm currently attending.
I could have gone to the party central or the rich kids school but....nope.
I chose Manchester High, the alleged "Home of Champions" (have yet to see any but whatever). Why? I heard constantly that their science program is was excellent. The campus itself apparently was amazing. A lot of good things.
Oh, and vibes apparently did "tun up."

But now I'm here and.....none of the above have been proven to me. I was told by Excelsior (who, incidentally, is right beside me as I type this on his laptop) that I came a "tad late". And damn, do I agree!

Why am I even doing advanced subjects? Ambition

Ok, joke time. Before I sin even more in this bright day.
Excelsior: At least you get me out of all this. I'm not worth it [fi real sah] but...you know [I don't actually] small consolation. At least you have more sarcasm and puns in your life [this is true].





I guess what I'm getting at is.....I'm the type of person who thinks on the past very heavily and wonders at the courses life could have taken had other decisions been made. And yes, I am a shitty decision-maker (viz: Ah fuck which one do I loud up....ah, yes. viz: In a relationship I didn't particularly want with a guy I hated the first day I met him, and who isn't really loved by my parents.)

So,I have a lot to think about in those nights when my body refuses to have mercy on me and allow me to go to sleep. No wonder I'm a depressed teen 70% of the time and a complete bitch the other 30%. How do people deal with me?

I think that's it for now. I feel myself getting the beginnings of a mind-ache.

Wanting a book to read now and having none :"(,

@Jaye_Eccentriq