Today is my birthday, and I'm 17 years old,

and I cried. Now I'm about to make a wild guess and say that you've never seen anyone cry on their birthday. That's because you haven't seen me.

Why did I cry? Cuz them tears wasn't no tears of joy. They was my body's way of telling me, "Heyyy bitch, your feels switch is flipped."

But anyway. I stopped after a few seconds, because I hate crying....because I'm ugly uglier when I cry and I'm ugly enough already.

Google+ wished me happy birthday. My FB "friends" did. (This random girl all up on my wall like "Happy birthday Shari-Boo!" like me and her a big fren. WTF????)  My actual friends did. FB itself did.
So why then did not my mother, who had me at 5:20 am on this day in 1997 and thus is bound to remember, not wish me happy birthday? It's not like she forgot; I heard her tell my sister to come wish me happy birthday. (She didn't.)

Part two of my feels: What have I done with my life?
Answer: not much.
That burns. Deeply. In 17 years, all I seem to have done is:

• ask questions
• write stuff
• stay alive
• ask more questions
• be depressed
• ask more questions

I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to do with life. And I hate not knowing stuff.

Yes. It's my birthday. and I should be happy. So lemme try that one on for size.....

So as it happens, I was born. Whole and healthy. Thank you (whoever "you" are. I won't assume.)

I haven't been, like, majorly sick over the 1997-2014 period. Thank you

My feels aren't broken (much), which makes for a shitload of problems for me, but I can still feel so.... Thank you

That time in my life where all I wanted was to die, but was afraid to hasten the process because thanatophobia.....it's come and gone, and it shows no real signs of returning. Thank you

There's people in this world who give a fuck about my welfare, even when I don't. Thank you.

  Guys, you know yourselves. I'm grateful for every last one of you.

I've lived to be 17. Lots of kids haven't. Thank you

I close this post feeling a lot better than I did when I started it. 

Sometimes, something as simple as daring to glance at the bright side even when it hurts your eyes helps.

Happy birthday, SJ. 

Somebody bake me this cake? :)

@Jaye_Eccentriq

EDIT: Mommy emailed me. I'm OK now. :)